I hates being out of weed, but I had to spend my money on
something which might rake me in a little bit of cash as the month
progresses. The cases of soft drinks were on sales at 2 for $5.99. I
bought 4 cases. Tonight after I get home from circle I shall make up
a little sign and try to get a few customers coming to my door.
Hopefully I can get this business rolling and have enough for a dime
bag by tomorrow. I guess. If I feel I need it.
You know, I have to admit that I am gradually getting better.
True, I did have some irritibility issues when I went out to run my
errands. I find that going outside sometimes stirs up my negativity
with people I have issues with. This is what has led to this long
reclusive stint which has lasted I don't know how long. I guess I
just got into the habit of not leaving the house much. Anyway, I can
tell you that staying inside your room most of the time leads to
weight gain. I am trying to push myself to get out a little bit
everyday. I certainly didn't get everything I wanted to do done
today.
I woke up at 7AM today and did a few marketing research surveys.
Then I went out to Shopper's to get some cream for my coffee.
Discovered the soft drinks on sales and decided since the prices are
so low I would be stupid to not buy a few cases. I came home and then
I returned all my empties to the beer store. Mad house over there.
Waiting in line was probably what got me feeling irritable. The
number of people who supplement their income by cashing in empties is
unbelievable. Some people were just bringing in their own empties
too. Nobody can quite compete with some of the Chinese people who
collect empties. They come in with huge loads of empties and when we
would play baseball it was a bit of a joke about how if you just
throw your empty away within minutes some Chinese person will
retrieve it for their collections. They even come in through our
front gates in the building sometimes and raid the recycling bin.
I'm not an active empty collector. In fact, I am surprised I had
10 bucks worth today with Sue gone. She used to be my main source of
empties, but now Rick has picked up with bring me empties in exchange
for cigarettes. It's a deal of sorts, though I generally prefer money
from people. I will take the empties from somebody desperate for a
pack of smokes. And, Rick usually gives me more in value than the
price of a pack. I'd rather have something to cash in whenever I get
broke.
But, today I spent all my money investing in soft drinks imagining
that I should be able to get more than the $13 bucks I spent on them
if I sell them. I just need to put up signs because only one tenant
comes regularly and asks for them. I know there are a couple of pepsi
freaks in the building who might start buying drinks here and there.
I've had soft drinks throughtout last month, and they lasted quite a
while too. Sometimes I am able to go a couple of days without
drinking soft drinks on my own. Last month it was mostly just Tom who
bought soft drinks, but he also picks them up for this old guy named
Walter who lives downstairs. I've still got cartons of smokes. I
already told one guy who never pays me back that he could not get
another pack on credit. The pot dealer who used to not speak to me
because I was friends with George, who he hates with a passion, has
been a regular customer. But, the way I used to send my friends down
to buy weed off him for me, he too would send his friends to buy
pepsi off of me. Unfortunately, I think his days of buying 5 cans of
pepsi in one day might be over as he has started to abuse a substance
which tends to consume money.
I am taking one of my Satanist friends out to the circle at the
Wiccan Church tonight. He wanted to go and I was happy to have
somebody motivate me to get out to circle. Sometimes I have a hard
time getting myself to go up these days. It's a bit of a subway ride
away from home. Some of the people at the church have me not wanting
to go. I just don't like their general attitude with always putting
other people down. Part of it is the attitudes displayed in the
steering committee and the other part of it is how they were about
the newsletter. Plus, there is no more smoking room at the Wiccan
church. The temple is in a building shared with another group. I
haven't been up since the temple moved. It's still close to where the
old one was, but I don't know the exact location. I only know that
it's on St Clair and 8 blocks west of the old temple. It should be
really easy to find.
So, before I go I shall have to take a bath and get fresh and
clean. I didn't go to the gym today. My feet were so tired after I
ran around and did my errands. Was at the mobile phone provider for a
while trying to figure out why my phone wasn't going online. We never
figured out why, but eventually the phone went online after the sales
guy fiddled with it for a while. A lot of the businesses I use are
completely staffed with Chinese people. This is because I live in
Chinatown. And, at the bank the Chinese people who work there are the
absolute best at customer service in a bank that I have ever
experienced. In fact, I think the staff at 2 different branches of
CIBC in this area are always absolutely stupendous. Whenever I go to
the other branches the service is always a lot more mediocre. At my
bank in Chinatown somebody is always at the door to greet people as
they enter and somebody always says good-bye as I am leaving. Plus,
my bank in Chinatown is open 7 days a week, which is good. I have my
bank account set so that I can only withdraw $20 at the ATM and spend
$50 on Interac. This may sound like a pain in the bum, but it works
out. I always have to use my own bank's ATM because the service
charge at other branches puts me over my withdrawal limit. This tends
to save me money sometimes. Lucky to have a CIBC bank machine just a
block away from my home.
Never much of a reason to go much further than where I generally
travel. I go to Kensington Market. I go to Queen Street. I live in
Chinatown and shop here all the time. Haven't had it better in some
ways, aside from the year when me and my old boyfriend shared a loft
in Kensington. That was great because we could just buy our groceries
fresh every single day. I lost so much weight that year because I was
taking that herbal pill called ephedrine because I believed it would
give me more energy. I guess we had a gigantic bottle with 500
capsules in it or something. I ate pastries from the bakery every
single day and I was till skinny. Didn't know that ephedrine was an
appetite suppressant at the time. Just lost a lot of weight.
Unfortunately, it isn't the most healthy thing to take and can be bad
for your heart. Goes to show you that 'herbal' and 'safe' are not
synonmous.
I asked the doctor about diet pills and she told me that generally
they don't encourage that at the clinic. Went on to tell me that
there was one pill she could prescribe, but when she told me that it
made the body not absorb fat and just poop it out I had too many
qualms with the idea. She also told me that it's wasn't even that
effective. I'll figure out my own way to lose weight. Hard to believe
I've put on so much. Just 7 years ago I was around 120 pounds. Now
the number has grown so embarassingly high that I won't even type it
out for my note readers. It's just amazing that this amount of weight
can be packed on and apparently it's due to the medications I am on.
I have been trying to ween myself off them, but if I stop taking
them the symptoms sometimes present problems again. My only option is
to encourage myself to eat less carbs, more fruit, more vegetables,
cut back on sugar, and exercise. Then it shall all be so much the
better. Admittedly, last night I had spaghetti with cheese and meat
sauce. I was kind of in the mood to do a bit of cooking for a change.
Still got plenty of leftovers and also had the same thing for
breakfast today. I did add half a bag of spinach to the sauce, so
hopefully that will have a positive impact on my overall health. And,
my basket of fruit is still bulging with apples, oranges, peaches,
and grapes. I've been taking my vitamins too.
In the future it shall be a new and better life. Going to learn
eventually to stop being so senstive and keep going with the flow of
life. I admit that it's crushing for the ego to walk along Queen
Street with all the perfect looking yuppies walking along in their
expensive clothes. But, in Chinatown people look a little more real
and normal, albeit Chinese. It's all good. And, now I must be going.
So, may you all have a wonderful day and not set off your smoke
alarms with potent homemade incense like I did earlier today. That
was a bummer.
Life can be a bit of a bitch at times. I can't remember what time
I woke up. I think it was at 1AM this morning. Before I fell asleep I
was reading that Bukowski novel I borrowed from a friend. He doesn't
believe I'm reading it, but I am, albeit slowly. I have decided that
I don't feel like watching movies or television these days, so I've
been reading before I go to sleep again. Generally I fall asleep
watching something like Law & Order, but I haven't had a taste
for crime fiction or true crime for a little while now. Mona showed
me some interesting videos from National Geographic when I was over
at her place. When searching for those I found youtube clips from the
BBC of this show called 'Tribes' and it is really very interesting.
The host visited a remote tribe in Mongolia where everybody travelled
by horse, but they were rather large ponies in appearance style. I
think the host even referred to them as ponies.
Then there are programs where we visits tribes in places like
Ethiopia. Some of them have unusual practices like the tribe which
has 'lip plates'. The bigger a woman's 'lip plate', the larger amount
of cattle a family would get for her marriage. Then Mona showed me a
video about a mountain village, maybe in the Himalayans, where woman
have 3 husbands and fewer children because there isn't enough land to
be passed down if they produce too many children. Lots of odd
cultures in the world which are very different from our own and I
kind of like hearing about them.
The great thing about the BBC series is that the host emmerses
himself in the life and rituals of the different cultures he visits.
In this one video he participates in this ox jumping ritual the men
undertake. I believe all of the cattle had to be either female or
castrated males. There was a part when he goes alligator hunting at
night with some men. And, some of these people have fierce warriors
in their clans and the host just hangs out with them for a few weeks.
He even took mind altering drugs in one episode so he could
participate in one of the trible rituals. Great show.
I was quite depressed yesterday and I suppose I got a little bit
angry and upset. Vented stuff on the internet about people who bug
me. I did what I did and was crying a little before I decided to take
some medication. I cancelled my appointment for a facial, to be
rescheduled at a later date. I told the woman at the spa that I was
feeling unwell and she was very sympathetic. It's a free try out of
their spa. They are offering a free facial. Called Origins and they
are on Yonge Street and you can choose between maybe 5 different
facial treatments. I've been getting free stuff in the mail every
day. Today I got some sort of infusium hair treatment. Yesterday I
got Maxi pads. The day before that I got coffee whitener. Last week I
got medicine for acid reflux, which actually comes in handy since I
am often making my stomach burn from all the coffee I consume. Pretty
serious addiction, but there is little in life I enjoy more than
sitting, writing, smoking cigarettes, and consuming a cup of coffee.
It's a hard habit to break.
I've thought about some astrology. Noticed I am critical of people
from the sign of Gemini, but noticed that the ones I felt the most
annoyed with both have 3 planets in the sign. There are lots of
Geminis out there who don't embody so much the negative qualities of
the sign. There is always many different plantary energies at force
in a person's natal chart. A Gemini can also adopt some of the traits
of the earthy sign of Taurus which is right next to them. Many
Geminis will also have planets in Taurus and some of them are quite
stable and earthy. I can think of 2 Gemini Suns I know who seemed to
have a lot of earth qualities. My grandmother and an old housemate.
Both very stable and nothing dualistic and flighty about either of
them.
Though the Sun is currently in Scorpio many planets are already
shifting into Sagittarius. Both Venus and Mercury entered Sagittarius
on November the 2nd. That means that a couple of planets are opposed
to Gemini right now. They also square Pisces and Virgo and can
present strain there. It could very well be that this Sagittarius
square to my natal Venus in Pisces made me more prone to getting
upset. It would particularly attack my feelings of lovability, and
perhaps my personal enjoyment. Who knows if astrology is really true
and the movement of the planets actually do have an impact on life
here on earth. I believe they do just because I use astrology and
some of my predictions have rung true. Not in an exact way, but in a
general way.
Astrology presents us with themes in our lives and often exposes
us to past mythology. The planets are all named after Roman gods who
can be said to be representative in how the energy of a planet
manifests itself. Mars, the god of War, being a planet ruling
aggression and how we assert or express our energies. Venus, A love
goddess, representing pleasure, love, beauty and enjoyment. In all of
our lives the concepts of astrology are exposed to us. Things like
ideals, transformation, beauty, love, death, and public reknown.
Astrology is a method which can help us understand the currents of
the present times. In society we constantly see forces at combat with
each other and an astrological perspective helps us look at the roots
of many conflicts which is things being in disharmony with each
other.
Harmonies are formed through positve aspects like trine, sextile,
and sometimes conjunctions. Not every single conjunction is a
positive force because sometimes 2 very powerful energy completely
aligned with each other is not a very positive thing. The question
was posed to me on a comment today that there has been a shift in the
astrological signs and the ingress many western astrologers use for a
planet is actually incorrect. You never know. Maybe many astrologers
will revise their tools and use a different system of calculation.
There are so many different types of astrology and I don't believe
that these changes have to impact any calculations I make. There is
heliocentric and geocentric astrology. The movement of the earth
around the sun hasn't really changed and much of western astrology is
based on the fixed seasons. For instance, Aries is the start of the
year and thought to be an initiator and leader. Scorpio is associated
with death because that is when vegetation begins the proccess of
death and decay. Not all of astrology is based on the stars. As one
of the priestesses at the Wiccan church always says 'don't throw the
baby out with the bath water'.
Anyway, I am getting on with some computer work. All there is to
do at this hour of 4 in the morning. I kind of dread the sunlight. I
don't feel in the mood to exactly deal with people wight now. I know
I should probably get out of the house. I still haven't put all the
laundry away. Plus, I have a lot of beer cans adding up because Rick
brought a bunch in exchange for a pack of smokes. Somebody who
regularly forgets to pay me asked to get smokes on the cuff and I
said no. I get so little money and I really do have to make the most
of it. It's not worth it if I have to go without at the end of the
month. It's not my duty to supply people with free cigarettes just
because they spent all their cash on booze. Let them suffer the
consequence of their actions. I've got 1 person to take care of right
now and her name is Lydia Workman. But, I let some people cuff
cigarettes who consistently pay me back and sometimes throw in extra
money for being so late.
I have to start thinking about the voyages I want to take over the
winter. I have a few different places I want to visit, though I'm not
sure how long these great prices are going to be on for. I have the
assumption that they will still have good deals after this promotion
is over. The promotion only says that they have seats for as low as
$10, and they do. I plan to visit Montreal in November. I am just
waiting for this $50 VISA card in the mail and it is my belief that
this card will eventually come because it's from a reputable
marketing research company. Some marketing research companies aren't
as good as others. I've signed up for maybe 10 different sites and
the profits from some take absolutely forever to get. Some of the
sites I sometimes wonder if they are even worth my time at all. Some
sites only send a few surveys a month or you need a ridiculous number
of points to cash out. Web perspectives is a good one and I have made
about $200 with them over the course of a year. I haven't the vaguest
idea of how much money I actually get from doing surveys. I just know
it's nice to get a $20 cheque in the mail. One site sends $5 cheques
and another $10 cheques. It's really not a hell of a lot of money. I
just do it so I'll have money when I need it.
My approach is to just keep myself open to various avenues of
getting a few bucks here and there. There are the smokes and soft
drinks. Even if people sometimes pay in beer cans, it does mean I
have a little bit of money when I need it. The freebies I get to help
me stretch certain purchases further or try something new. The
coupons to cut down on overall spending. Then visiting the food bank
kind of helps. Anyway to help myself stay afloat being the sort of
person who can't seem to adjust to normal moods and sleep cycles.
As I get in this lifestyle I really feel that it would be so hard
to go back to telemarketing or customer service. I've got a fine art
diploma and it's not like I qualify for any job other than sales or
customer service. I certainly couldn't see myself working in most
retail environments. I can get really moody and bite a customers head
off or at least snap at them sometimes. I hate it when I see myself
get that way. Sometimes I feel so much like a trapped animal in
certain environments and I instinctively snap like a rabid dog. I
find when my asthma acts up my personality can shift to kind of
snarly. Though my mom used to always say she could tell when I was
coming down with the flu because I'd turn into a more affectionate
person.
But, I don't see any reason to put myself under emotional strain
in a job when it's probably not going to pay off for me in the long
run. Anything I would get would be low paying. I certainly couldn't
wake up and be someplace every single day for 9AM. My rent would
double. You get a much better deal on rent when you are on a
disability pension. If I was off disability for long enough I
wouldn't receive free drugs, dental, and optical. I'd probably have
to work much harded and receive much less for my efforts. Plus, I
tend to have a habit of spending more money when I am working. I go
to Starbucks every single day. I need bus fare. I end up being out
around book shops where I can easily spend a $50, and that's
exercising restraint if I can keep it as low as $50. I don't see it
as being worth it.
I think if I want to go back into the work force I will have to
either go the academic route or become more adept at being a
self-employed person. I just need to find ways to get greater fruit
for my labours. I could take up jewelry making and sell stuff on
ebay. I'm kind of trying to learn that right now. Most of the time I
think my approach to just using my time to pusue my interests works
better for me. Nothing wrong with that.
Yesterday was a rather nice day. I got a little bit of exercise
done before I went out and I was studying a book on Love Magick by
Laurie Cabot. I like Laurie Cabot because she is into the Celtic
stuff. I have used one of her book's extensively. It's a book that my
mother bought for me at the Good Will for my and it still has the
$1.50 price sticker on the spin. The book is becoming rather worn. I
use the book to do many things. I use it to help me develop ideas for
oils. I use it to guide me through specific herbs and stones to
study. I use the meditations. All of the deities are Celtic in the
book and it talks about faery magick. I don't follow the book exactly
at all how the spells, rituals, and recipes. I just use it as a
guideline for ideas and I even try to alter the meditations by
rewriting them by a certain meathod I use a lot. I work by a form on
most of my creative interests. Been known to force myself to write
out a certain number of sentences at a time when I am doing creative
writing. It's not something known about me, but I rule my life by
numbers.
I am always counting things out in my head. I find when my mind is
just empty I can hear myself counting something. It's because
whenever I force myself to do things that are hard like house
cleaning I give myself a number and I have to clean exactly 100
things about my room. Or I do my budgeting by putting things in
groups of tens. I have goal books that I write in, but I also use
them as books to make notes about magick in. I also like to break all
my tasks into things that cost money and things that cost time. That
way whenever I am broke I can seek out the things that cost nothing
to do.
I am always trying to break things up into time increments, but it
takes forever to do all the stuff I want to do. I think I got a lot
done yesterday. I did so much. I spent the night at Mona's house
because she lives very far away. I find I'm a bit allergic to her cat
and decided to sleep on the living room floor rather than sleep in
the extra bed with the cat. Mona keeps the cat in one room so she
won't scratch the furniture. Anytime I sleep in that room the cat
constantly wants attention. It's a real sweet little creature. But,
the cat kept rubbing up against my face constantly as I was trying to
sleep and it aggravated my asthma. Also, the air in that room just is
full of whatever cat particles cause strain on my lungs. I was a lot
more comfortable on the floor.
We watched the movie 'Little Buddha' with Keanu Reeves. I enjoyed
most of it, though certain parts were wrought with a sentimentality
which proved mildly noxious. Generally I enjoyed the movie. Prior to
the movie Mona's friend was over and we watched all these videos on
National Geogrphic's video site. I was the lone white girl who
couldn't relate to their love of Sade, but I still had a good time.
This all happened after the art opening of 'Art of the Tarot'
which happened at this place called the Hermit's Lamp which is a shop
run by a married couple who are tarot readers. They also sell a small
selection of occuly supplies. A nice little store located in a rather
odd spot, though kind of close to where the Wiccan Church used to be.
It's up on Vaughan road and much of the street is actually
residential.
There were a lot of people I know at the opening. People I have
met from my Satanist Meet-Up. I had invited Mona out and it ended up
that she knew the guy who runs the place and he has even done a tarot
reading for her. It was really cool to have a group of left hand path
people and there was this nice little room with a sofa and arm chair
which we occupied. Jeremy and Marie came out. It was actually Jeremy
who invited us via the Toronto Satanists group we are in which is
moderated by Marie. It was an absolutely wonderful time. I met
Jeremy's roommate who had a lovely painting based on the fool card of
the tarot. Her fiancee. Everybody had lots of interesting stuff to
talk about. Then Andrew who owns the store had a box of books he was
finished with and we were allowed to take whatever we wanted for
free. I got a copy of Milton's Paradise Lost and Elaine Pagel's
Origin of Satan. There was no alcohol served and I actually had a
good time without it. Usually I am reaching for a glass of alcohol
anytime I am in a social situation. This time I didn't even miss it.
Another interesting thing was how I felt quite relaxed about being
out of cigarettes. Usually I might be more nervous. I only felt
driven to try to buy a smoke off a stranger once in the day and he
refused my quarters. I was short on money, otherwise I had planned to
attend the Witch's Ball for the WCC. I heard the Witch's Ball was
really dead anyway and that only a half dozen people were there when
Mona's boyfriend stopped in. Mona didn't go. There is this girl at
the WCC who Mona doesn't want to bump into because she is treating
Mona's dad like a taxi service and Mona's dad is kind of sweet on her
and she even has a boyfriend already to boot. This situation has been
a source of antagonism for the past few months. So, I think Mona is
only planning on attending rituals at the Hamilton temple now
whenever her boyfriend will drive her out here. I'm rooting for her
because she got him to drive her out for the Samhain ritual tomorrow
night.
Prior to the art opening I did a lot of walking. I had a doctor's
appointment and she weighed me, so I am desperate to lose weight. I
walked all the way from Dufferin to University. Then I did a lot of
walking along St Clair and Vaughan Road. Due to my weight gain I have
decided to see a dietician. Mona also wants to lose weight and we are
talking about joining a gym together, but I'm not sure if I really
want to go up to the area she lives in twice a week to go to the gym.
I know she lets me stay overnight, but I am very attached to a lot of
the things I have at home. It's a lot easier for me to be waking up
at my own place. It's such a long subway ride away too. I wouldn't
even want to attempt it at an hour like 3 or 4 AM. I'd probably get
lost. When I'm up in her area I also completely lose my sense of
direction and can't remember north from south.
Some guy on my walk along Queen Street said 'Hey, sexy blond!' and
I did not consider this to be lewd. It kind of cheered me up after
finding out how much weight I've gained since the doctor last weighed
me. I'm going to try my best to take the weight off now. Trying to do
some exercise every single day. The only trouble is that I don't have
a lot of private space around here. I did those exercises the
physiotherapist gave me a couple years ago. I did the sun salutation.
Did some breathing exercises. I feel like I've had a bit of a boost
in my energy level this week. More motivated to get out and do
things.
Anyway, I guess I'd better start getting ready now. My friend
Lara's birthday is being celebrated tonight at some Halloween party
at a bar on Queen Street. I can go, as my neighbour lent me a little
bit of money. I went and spent ten dollars on weed already. I guess I
shall try to keep my spending under 20 dollars tonight. I'll need
cigarettes and I will need to buy some alcohol or something for
tomorrow night's Satanist Meet-Up at my place. Then I'd like to be
able to buy alcohol for the Samhain ritual at the Wiccan Church.
Thankfully the cover tonight is only $5.
I feel pretty content this morning. I woke up at 2 in the morning.
I went to bed early and didn't make it sleeping throughout the night.
I have a doctor's appointment late in the afternoon. This is with my
regular family doctor. I usually just go to the walk in clinic to get
my medication refilled. And, I actually went to the walk in clinic to
pick up an inhaler yesterday and I got my flu shot. I don't know if
I'll be able to make it to the witch's ball tonight as my finances
are looking pretty low. 4 planets are hovering in my financial house
right now, but that isn't really a good thing. I know having the moon
in your second house means you are liable to spend your money
emotionally, so it's best to be careful at that time. My neighbour
said she'd lend me 50 dollars when she get's her cheque, so who knows
what is actually going to be happening. I am fortunate enough to have
a whole bunch of TTC tokens, so at least I'll be able to get around.
And, I think the 'Art of the Tarot' art opening I am attending
tonight shall be free and there will be refreshments.
It's a pretty busy week-end and I am hoping ODSP deposits my money
on Friday rather than on Monday. Living in a rooming house, almost
everbody is waiting for their cheque. Most months I have people
paying off tabs, but I don't expect anybody to pay me back. There is
one person who is generally reliable who is extremely late paying off
a tab and I should just go ask him to pay me back today. I don't
think he will argue with me, though I don't think he is one of the
people on social assistance. I have smoked my last cigarette too. A
little later I am going to ask another lady who sells smokes if I can
trade a couple tokens for a pack. I tend to smoke far too much and
maybe quitting is a good idea. Thing is that I don't particularly
feel a strong desire to quit. I just worry about my health.
I still have all sorts of aches in my legs from that day that I
decided to jump rope. I feel so out of shape. I don't want to do
anything that's going to have me attending pshysiotherapy for a
month. That was a pain in the ass 2 summers ago when I had a pinched
nerve in my lower back. And, sometimes I still feel like the nerve is
being pinched when I first wake up in the morning. Sometimes I have
to get up quite quickly and stand on my leg to make sure the nerve
doesn't get pinched again.
I've been cleaning up my room and soon I plan to mix up some herbs
and oils. I've got some stuff to study pertaining to magick and
astrology and I like to keep all that on schedule. I want to try to
plan out some sort of small ritual for the Satanist Meet-Up that is
happening at my place on Saturday night. I've got plans for every
night this week-end. I'd really like to make it out to the Samhain
ritual at the Wiccan Church. It's always nice to go out to that
because there is free food and wine. Usually the wine goes pretty
fast and you've got to be on top of your game if you want to get your
fill. It would be nice if I could get me cheque on Friday so I can
actually contribute a bit of wine to the feast. I should be able to
find some food to contribute to the feast. I've got a bunch of those
'Craisins' that might be good in a small bowl. Seems a suitable food
for Samhain. I might be able to find something else if I feel like
going to the effort of actually cooking something. I don't generally
like to cook all that much around here because it's a communal
kitchen. The kitchen is pretty tidy on our floor though some people
leave dirty dishes around. I think some of Sue's dirty dishes are
still sitting in the kitchen and she's not allowed in the building
without a police escort.
I think it is going to be a pretty good day. I hate being out of
cigarettes, but in a few hours I can probably get a pack. Right now I
don't even have rolling papers to roll from the butts in my ashtray.
I don't know if anyone is awake at this hour as it is 6 o'clock in
the morning. In this building you can generally find people around at
any hour and it's not unusual for people to knock on my door at 5 AM.
Now that Sue is gone that might actually change.
I guess I should get back to the cleaning and then start all the
work I had planned. I probably will take a bath and try to get a
little bit of exercise. I hope I don't pull something as my legs
still ache from a few days ago. Hopefully my body will just adjust
and the muscles get stronger. it should be fine. I hope everybody has
some wonderful plans for Samhain/Halloween. It is a magickal time of
the year and people should at least watch a couple of horror movies
or something. Have a good one.
This is a world with many a fine individual. Sometimes the creepy
and sociopathic make us all want to die on certain days. That's why
we are fortunate enough to have devils to pray to and hexes to cast.
Some of the least imaginative people exist in the world. Some people
so utterly polluted with fitting into contemporary culture that they
have never ventured forth in the land of dreams and psychic
awareness. Then there are those of use of have sailed ships made of
gold into the dawn of the future. Some people's hearts shrivel up
into raisins and then their hearts start to droop. It's great that I
am not one of those people. I am here to brighten your day and teach
you methods to take the weight off your concerns. I am the embryionic
Arien force of the zodiac. I shall help you ignite the fire and
passion of will in your soul.
Let us not be brought down by busybodies who trouble themselves to
find fault with us creative types in exposing our inner truths. Poor
is the soul so badly attended for that it enviously reads through the
words of my writing and flares it's nostril like a raging nightmare.
It is a shame that my kundalinic flame has chosen to show me that
which least interests me. To drift forever away from the awareness
that there are those out there without good words to say who busy
themselves gawking at my profile and reading my words in bad spirit.
What an embarassment to humankind. People who sit and wish to trip a
lady up.
I should hex, except that requires time commitment and I am
backlogged on magickal tasks. It is such a shame at time that people
who do not appreciate magick might come here and critcize my
interests. It's a shame there are people who try to force a woman to
change and conform. Many people think they are wise in not believing
in magick when they don't even really know what it is. They haven't
been lit with the flame of gnosis and arrogantly pride themselves on
their intellect when their intellect doesn't actually exist.
Practicing magick is no more futile than reading poetry. Magick is
an aesthetic, but it is also a lot more. There are several different
aesthetics in magick and I would believe honestly that most
religionists are subscribing to partially something of aesthetic
value. And, there is nothing wrong with aesthetics.
Magick embraces many spectrums of theory and was a parent to
astronomy and chemistry. Magick is about herbs, colours, geometry,
the movement of the planets, and spiritual philosophy. It annoys me
greatly when some idiot who knows nothing of magick comes and waxes
preachy on me. I can see great value and worth of studying magick,
for as a writer it immediately gives me a language to draw upon.
Magick is full of symbolic merit and is a great pond for artists to
fish for imagery. I don't need any dumb fuckers coming around here
telling me what I can and can't believe in.
It's such a shame I get annoyed by some people and they stick in
my head a little bit. Annoying people who come about with fake
profiles and ridicule my mental health just because I've been brave
enough to tell people about some of the experiences I've had. I just
wish some fucking mouthy assed bitches would leave me alone. And, I'm
pretty sure it was somebody like that Suzy twat with the fake profile
because why would some random person start defending her? Pathetic
people who just make me bloody well sick.
I've left them alone and don't go out anywhere I'd bump into them.
I wish they would also leave me alone too. When I go to the trouble
to block a person from my profile you would think they would take a
hint and not come around and post crap and play some stupid childish
game. I hope they all have a horrible Halloween and somebody gives
them candy with a razor blade in it. Fuck, do I ever hate them
people. I especially hate them because of this fake profile business.
They seem like sneaky and deceitful people. The whole lot of Suzy
Divine and Jubal Brown and all of them. Well... I don't hate all the
people from out at the Ossington. It's just that some of these people
aren't presenting a very pretty picture in my mind's eye.
But, they are a bit too much a scene for me and all about being
and social and fitting in. Saw that poster and the words 'Who else
would you want to spend Halloween' and all I could think was 'anyone
else' and 'not these people'. I'd rather bob for apples with elderly
Christian women or take a band of screaming 5 year olds out trick or
treating. Anywhere as far away from these psychic leaches with their
pathetic psycho-dramas and bull-crap. I'd rather be somewhere where
the DJ isn't a spoilt backstabbing narcissist. Somewhere interesting
and where people aren't a bunch of conforming cunts who couldn't come
up with an original idea if they had God whisper it in their ears.
Fuck them. To hell with a lot of people.
I do wish I had the guts to plant a few stink bombs at their
little party and insure the odour matched the foulness of some of the
living dead souls who are going to be their. These people are little
besides zombies anyway, their brains rotting with the worms in the
graves of insight and integrity. Fuck them. Hope they have a truly
miserable Halloween.
I'm not the biggest fan of Halloween ever since I got too old to
go trick or treating anymore. The best part of Halloween was all the
candy. As an adult I no longer see it as anything really worth
celebrating. Even so, I can't stand the thought of people I dislike
having a happy Halloween. I wish them a hellish Halloween. I'm not
going to say I don't hope any of them get laid. I do. I hope they get
laid and catch herpes. Hope water spills on the floor and somebody
dancing slips and sprains their ankles and they get sued for it.
Something really rotten like that to put a big blemish on the
evening.
I'm having some people over and then I said I would go out to this
one party for my friend's birthday. I'm not going to say where it is
as I don't want any nutso people going out to bother me. I hate
living in the same city as a bunch of pussy assed backwards fuckers.
Damn them and their zombie brains and their lack of individuality. I
want to get out of this town because Toronto has got to suck when the
sort of people who are popular around here are these idiots who are
likely to knock over an 87 year old woman and trample on her back if
they get in the way of their shallow lifestyles. I hope life's
experiences shipwreck them because I am so fucking sick of them
bitching at me in the back of my mind.
To dwell on hateful feelings is the only way to realize how lousy
it really is out at these parties. Dumbs girls starting cat fights.
Arrogant men who think their opinions matter to you. Fuck them. Fuck
them all. May their worst nightmares engulf them, devour them, vomit
them up again, and chew them into little pieces. I don't give a
flying fuck about whether or not these people like me or not. I am
flattered because it means my darkness exceeds their's. In the end
their stupid little parties shall not leave even a ripple in the
pond, but my great literary talent shall mesmerize generations of
literature lovers. I don't care about not fitting in with a bunch of
fashion conscious airheads. To hell with them. I sink deep into the
well of mystery. I awaken the primordial forces and I profit from
them. These people think their silly asses matter or something.
Matters about as much as New Kids On The Block matter these days.
For, like New Kids On The Block, these people are as hip or cool
anymore. They is getting older and trying to hide the fact by dating
people who are barely legal.
In my realm of being the power is manifold. I need not be amongst
the hipsters, for I have better people to chat with and hang out
with. People who don't wear skinny jeans. Cool people who know how to
rightly engage in devil worship and draw down the moon. I need not
any silly posers in my womanly world. I shall travel across states
and provinces and there I shall find a new movement of people. Our
ground breaking scene and culture shall put anybody else's to shame.
Our writing, art, poetry, and new media shall stand the test of time.
Your's won't. So stuff that in your pipe and smoke it.
I am still getting the bad vibes even though I tried to lock my
profile up tighter than the ass of a small caucasian male. Bad people
roam in my head, but I just picked up my book on Pagan Astrology and
got it all off my mind. I hate how these people float in my head when
I could be using my mental abilities to come up with ideas of utter
brilliance. Life doesn't always need to be dark and hateful. Bad
vibes. Bad people. I'm going to do another ritual to neutralize all
anger an energy with me and a bunch of a bad brood. It's bad vibes,
and I am the sort of person who likes any sort of 'vibes' to begin
with.
Saturn grinding down on my bones and forcing me to clamp at the
bit. Fuck Saturn. What I need is martial power. Mars is the power.
Though I was just reading about how we should think of Saturn as a
teacher in the martial arts. Why should Saturn usurp the throne of a
role which obviously belongs to Mars? I wish I had my natal Mars in a
less wimpy sign than Cancer, but what can I do? It not a wonder I
have such difficulty asserting myself at times.
There are lots of inconsistency in the sorts of things you hear
about a sign like Cancer. I don't understand where the cardinal sign
leadership qualities comes from when it is a sign known for
retreating. But, then I don't quite understand how a passive sign
like Libra also is considered to be a sign possessing the cardinal
sign intiative. I can understand the leadership qualities inherent in
Capricorn and Aries as cardinal signs, however.
But, who knows if this astrology business is true. I just study it
a lot because I am drawn to it. Been making charts almost everyday
lately. Following the transits of all the planets. I'm not about to
predict the future on it. I've got a lot of hard aspects right now,
but there are always plenty of good ones too.
I didn't like the thing in the Pagan Astrology book where he
offers antidotes for coping with transits which include giving gifts
to those who represent the forces at work. I do love the idea. I just
think the author has gone about it all wrong. For instance, the
affliction corrections he offers for Mercury involves giving gifts to
somebody who writes and tries to get it published. The sign and house
determine which sort of gift to give. I think the idea is
interesting, but what about people who are socially isolated? Some of
the affliction corrections just seem highly awkward to do. It would
have been better to list out a bunch of people and things associated
with Mercury and left it all a little bit more creative.But, I
haven't read the whole book. I've just been reading the parts that
are interesting to me. I read up on Saturn because my main magick
work these days is banishing. I've got to chop it all up a little
bit. I should do something that involves an element of destruction
liking ripping up a piece of paper or burning it. I should release
all the dead energy in the aforementioned paper. Just a scrawled out
bunch of words associated with things I would like to banish. Bad
feelings. Trouble. Problem people. Shit like that. All the stuff I
want to go away.
I like to use the same candle over and over and let the spell gain
momentum over time. I have a large black candle and everytime I
annoint it and charge it with banishing oil it makes the palms of my
hands black. I still have some banishing incense, but I only burnt
that the first night I did my ritual. Lots of bad things to banish.
I am also doing a spell aimed at weight loss. An invocation to
Venus that I found on the internet. Even put up a picture of Venus
above my computer so I can worship her as she worships herself. Venus
is gazing in a handheld mirror and has little white doves flying all
around her. Venus, oh Venus, how we adore thee.
I got all my Samhain herbs out on my altar and I'm going to do
some stuff with them. Going to be conducting some right, proper, and
potent magick around here. I know that if I can just direct the flame
I carry inside my heart into the exterior world powerful things can
happen. God knows my enemies cause a lot of things to suddenly drop
to the floor by directing their energy my way. That's what I believe
anyway. Most of the time when I experience bad luck I like to blame
it on people I dislike hexing me or jinxing me in whatever way they
have done. I certainly don't like blaming anything on myself because
I'm already trying as hard as I can to do my very best. Well, not
always my best. Haven't got the sort of patience to do everything my
very best. Sometimes I get really frustrated and leave a job half
done.
Most people are willing to accept a job half done, unless it
involves sexual intercourse or a blow job. I suppose in those
circumstances people really want you to finish what you've started.
With paintings, drawings, writing, and poetry it isn't always
immediately obvious when a job is done. I could finish this note now,
or I could go on further with more topics, subtopics, and hidden
agendas. I feel so fried at the second. It's so hard to push myself
to stay awake and live through the daylight. If I keep doing this I
will just never interact with the normal world and I won't be getting
enough exercise.
I guess I will probably just try to sleep soon. If I don't get all
that I wished to do done, that is fine. There is always tomorrow. I
got some stuff done in the time I was awake. I did some planning for
Yule magick work with altering meditations and writing lists of herb
and stone correspondences. I went through all of my coupons and
listed out stuff I want to buy so I'll remember to look for it.
Organized my desk drawers. Found the passport papers I need.
Organized my shelves a bit. Got stuff done. I just wish I could get
more done.
Still living the nocturnal lifestyle, but managing to get a lot of
stuff done. I was going to push myself to stay awake yesterday for
some of the daylight hours. I got so tired before the sun even came
up. I dozed off in the middle of reading that 'Dictionary of
Superstitions' book I have been reading. The book is an alphabetic
listing with a write up on various things which have superstitions
associated with them. The relationship between magick and
superstition make reading this book an endeavor which should prove
useful at some stage in my life. I haven't got it all pieced together
exactly, but I do love learning about the various correspondences in
magick. I am trying to commit so much information to memory half the
time, and I wonder actually how much of the reading actually sinks
in.
But, I am truly pleased about how I have been able to work through
my goals. I just have to learn to stop stalling on some of the less
pleasant ones. Well, actually my sleep schedule has made it rather
inconvenient for me to get around to doing some of the stuff I've
been putting off. I have all kinds of work for my internet church,
Church of the Infernal, which I am far behind on. On a positive note,
I have been contributing to my blog on my website with a greater
frequency. It's just that I have been procrastinating on several
other tasks. A young lad from Kenya wants to become a member and I
haven't responded yet. I should try to get a newsletter out on a
weekly basis, but it slips my mind often enough. The website needs a
ton of work and has been sitting on the back burner for years.
But, I have a life with a lot of different goals. I have to take
care of my own basic needs and I do my little soft drink and
cigarette business out of my room. Haven't been getting a lot of
money from that. The pot dealer came to my door desperate for money
and had a good deal to offer me. I had just been out shopping the day
before. We practically cleaned out my whole coin jar counting up to
20 dollars. And, I've been more conservative about the amount of weed
I've been smoking now that I have switched to smoking in a pipe
rather than rolling joints all the time. I might go out and get more
rolling papers just to have them, but I think I'm going to stick to
using my pipe from now on.
So, I have been having money slowly trickle back in and am just
hoping to have enough to pick up my photographs from Shopper's Drug
Mart. They still haven't called and it's taking them forever to
develop those pictures. There are pictures from 2 of our Satanist
Meet-Ups and I have been eager to post them for everybody to see.
They just haven't come back yet. I am also eager to see photographs
of myself so I can get an idea of how I should change my image in the
months to come. I don't think I'm going to be doing anything drastic
to my looks. Probably will only want to touch up my roots once they
get to be longer and more noticeable. Could probably use some new
clothes.
It's not that easy living off of disability. Can't just go out and
buy what I want to get when I want it. I always have to wait for a
bit of money to come in. I always have to prioritize my spending and
figure out what I need first. For instance, I could use a new
toothbrush, but when you have little bits of cash coming in you don't
want to go out and spend $10 on an electric toothbrush. I have just
be using a manual toothbrush and the bristles are beginning to get a
bit worn. So many things on my shopping lists and it is usually
impossible to buy everything I want.
I thought I might want to learn how to make jewelry so I will have
another source of income and sell some stuff off. It all goes slowly
around here. All I have done so far is start to collect some beads
and read some information on the web. But, that's more stuff to buy
right there. Wire, cord, pliers, and fasteners and stuff. Lots of
stuff to get when I have so many hobbies I dabble in.
I should get more berries and try to make up more wine. But, that
can always wait. Lots of things can wait until later. That is all for
some point in the future. Today I am going to try to get some other
things done. I've got plenty of ideas of what to do with my day.
There are plenty of empty beer cans to return. I could go to the food
bank. Need to try putting that seat lock on my bike and see if there
is any air in my tires. Lots of things to do.
But, I have some magick I want to work on first. Before I started
this writing I cleaned off the marble slab I use as my altar. I've
been studying some stuff to do with Samhain this evening and I want
to go through my cupboards and begin pulling out herbs. I have made a
list of 10 herbs associated with Samhain that I have in my cupboard.
I want to make an oil and an incense. I also want to find all of the
gemstones I have associated with Samhain in my possession and set
them on the altar. And there was more astrology stuff to study. Time
all goes well enough along. I've just been systematically going
through all my task lists for a couple of days. Should run the
numbers and see how much further ahead I've gotten. And, I also
should start planning for Yule. It's not far away.
