15 January 2012

I'm feeling pretty irritable this morning. Shit that shouldn't really matter kind of rolling around in my mind. I made some blueberry wine earlier. So many people who stick in my mind and make me feel cranky. This hypnosis stuff will maybe help that. It seems that the people I like the very least are the ones who infiltrate my thoughts most. If I'm not thinking about the hipsters, I've got an annoying ex-boyfriend or that pig from the building bothering my mind. Maybe I just need to write more about how much I really don't like these people and it will stop bothering me. That kind of worked in the past. That Suzy chick who is now applies the salutation 'fraulein' to the front of her name on facebook. She stuck in my head and it's like she's a muffled noise in the back of my head that just won't stop bitching about something. My annoyance about her begins to make me dislike other people from that circle who never really bothered me in the past.

It's a stupid situation and I guess she thinks I am evil because I blog about my life on the internet. She told me to my face that she thinks I am a bad person. Said she knows I'm a bad person because she was reading my blog each day. I can't imagine actually reading the blog of a person I don't like every single day. One of my personality flaws might be that I'm a bit self-absorbed, and I can tell you that I generally am not interested in what most people in the world have to say. I rarely pay attention to the profiles of people I actually do like. I kind of feel like this Suzy chick is a bit of a busybody if she's sticking her nose in my business. When that Jubal Brown impostor was messaging me I published a bunch of the messages we exchanged. I guess Suzy was really interested in them because she read enough to say that the writing didn't sound like Jubal's and she went as far to accuse me of writing all these messages myself. So, she says that the email address the impostor was using combined a nickname of Jubal's and one of Suzy's. Suzy says 'You've been on my friend's list long enough to know my foriegn friends call me zuzu'. I hate to tell her this, but my interest in her profile was nonexistent when she was on my friend's list. The chances of my looking at it enough to know any of her nick names just isn't actually something that is going to happen in reality.

So, I made some mistakes and I do regret having a crush on Jubal Brown and am sorry. I sent an apology to Jubal Brown way back when I sent him those sexual messages which had the whole lot of them flipping their lids. That's not good enough for these people. They are the kind of people who expect fillet mignon (vegetarain fillet mignon) and champagne. It doesn't really matter what I do, because nothing but the best is good enough for them, I guess. Never mind that Jubal Brown encouraged me to send him sexual messages when I first met him. But, when he's had enough of a person it's not his style to politely just say 'I have a girlfriend and your messaging are making me uncomfortable'. Jubal Brown is the sort of guy who makes sure he makes you feel like a piece of shit about it and his loyal lap dog Suzy is there to bark away any sort of threat to their uber cool social scene. They're a bunch of douchebags, but I am trying to not say negative things about them. I am trying to re-route my entire thought energy and obliterate thought that start with 'I hate...' and 'I don't give a shit' and what not. Thoughts like that have become a bit of a pattern and I guess it's time to break it.

One of their friends started to comment on my status line, but I guess they chickened out and deleted it before I read it. She was probably just going to offer more defense for her friends. These chicks would stand up for Jubal Brown if he raped and murdered a 13 year old girl I think. I don't know what it is and why they are so reliant on each other. I'm glad I'm not a part of it and I'm embarassed that I did conform to this group of people in the past. I should have known better. I should have looked at how appearance conscious they all are and figured that anybody who cares about their image that much can't have a lot of depth to them. I kind of hate pretty people sometimes. I know what it was like back when I was in my 20s and my looks were important to me. Takes hours to look that good. Anybody who spends that much time on their looks can't be all that artistic or intellectual. Who'd have time to do anything artistic when they have to get their hair looking perfect all the time and dress in highly impractical out fits.But, I'm weird because I kind of hate those clean cut guys who wear hair gel and mousse. I figure anybody who spends that much time putting themself together must have self-esteem issues and be overly eager to impress other people. Whether you are a rocker, goth, prep, mod, or whatnot, I think anybody who puts too much effort into their looks doesn't really have anything interesting to say. Jason and his rocker attire were even a matter of annoyance for me. And, he was always trying to get me to dress more that way.

It's not the sort of scene I really want to be involved with and it's really too bad I get that Suzy chick bitching at me in the back of my head. It could be psychological, but I can't help but think I'm having a psychic perception of her either thinking this shit or actually talking about me with other people. So, I'd like to really find a way to make it all stop. I could really talk about how I found Suzy to be one of those girls who has been influenced by the cultural program that women should be very concerned about relationships while not being very individual. She gave me her dating advice on my page stating who many years of dating experience she has behind her. Well, you know she's not really that much older than me. She probably has gotten around and dated a lot more than me, of course, as there have been many years in my life where I haven't wanted to be bothered with men at all. I'm not the sort of girl who is going out and trying to meet guys all the time. I think of relationships as something special that occassionally happens when you meet a person you click with.

If Jubal Brown hadn't wanted sexual messages, than I wish he hadn't confused me by making a couple of sexual comments towards me which confused me. I was open about having a crush on him. I never kept it hidden. I had a bit of fun with it and didn't realize how seriously people take a little bit of interest on my part. It's not like I was going out to the Ossington just in order to pursue him, but this group of hipsters made it out like it was. I was going out to the Ossington because there were other people out there who I liked talking to and I knew people there. I was trying to get to know some people in the art community and trying to be proactive about meeting people. Un fortunately, it all turned into a mess and I'm stuck with all this shit in the back of my head.

I hate being accused of stalking Jubal Brown. I had his phone number, but I never called it once. I knew the generally area he lived at, but I never just walked around there in the hopes of bumping into him. I didn't go to his profile and look at every single event he might be attending and try to be there. All I did was go out to Intervention Mondays. It's not like I even went out to the Ossington on other nights looking for him to see if he might be working. Well, twice I may have. When I first moved to Toronto I went out to the Ossington and I let him know I had dropped by by messaging him and telling him. I went out to 2 of his art exhibits, but that was me trying to be show support. One lesson I've learnt is that it's best to not bother showing any artist or musician any support because they usually don't appreciate it any way.

I didn't really even spend that much time talking to Jubal Brown on the nights I went out to the Ossington. On one of the last nights I was there I bumped into an actor friend who was going to do a production of Jesus Christ Superstar with me many years back. I hung out with him most of the night and barely paid any attention to any of the hipsters. I think on the very last night I was there I introduced myself to this ellusive girlfriend of Jubal Brown's. It was my way of being a good sport and showing that I could get over the dumb crush I had. I was trying to be a nice person. Being a nice person just isn't good enough for these people. It's like they want to control me too. Maybe I got that whole shitload of hatred because I refuse to be a lap dog and bow down to Jubal Brown. His expressed disapproval over my blogging and internet activities didn't have me immediately changing my ways or something to be like the rest of them. As if I am ever going to sacrifice my creative practices to fit in with a crowd or get the approval of some guy. They are really expecting way too much.

I think of my blogs as art. I know I don't get my blogs showcased at Vtape and the MOCCA the way that Jubal Brown does. I know galleries in Prague and Berlin have no interest in me and what I am doing. That's not the point of art anyway. The point of art is expression and I'd much rather do something which is a sincere expression of things I know about. So, the art world would rather see a video of clips from Rambo, animals getting shot, and bits of porn randomly tossed in. Good for them. They can all go out to the MOCCA and wear their silly hats and act like a bunch of idiots. I don't care anymore. I don't respect the art community and what it chooses to showcase. It's not like I hear about too many artists doing much of interest these days anyway. In a way most art is just pointless. Most of it doesn't even tell us anything that is new. It doesn't impact us on an emotional level. It's not like any of the art out in the galleries in Toronto is actually changing the world.

I find occultism infinitely more interesting than art these days. I'd rather hear about somebody's paranormal experiences and have a bit of faith that there is a world beyond our own. If somebody has used ritual magick to talk to angels and demons, I most certainly want to hear about it. I'd much rather hear about something unusual than go out and see a bunch of hipsters patting themselves on the back for a bit of poo poo humour. What's the big deal? Jubal Brown includes some weird porn clip of a woman getting shat on in one of his videos. I guess it's supposed to be shocking or offensive. It just further contributes to my feeling that these people are a bunch of spoilt brats with nothing better to do. Like that story I was told by a transgendered individual about how Jubal Brown's brother had urinated on her face the night before and how she was upset about it. My feeling is that not only is Jubal Brown a spoilt brat, but so are many others within their circle. They think treating people like garbage is amusing, but I don't exactly share their sense of humour.

I don't like their whole scene of people. They are so caught up on their social status and if someone is popular with them, it excuses any sort of awful behaviour. Nobody was much sympathetic with me the night when Suzy treated me like garbage. They all nod their heads in agreement so they can fit in and continue to wear their silly hats and DJ their dumb parties. They are so spoilt that life bores them so much that pissing in someone's face is something to entertain them. It doesn't really matter to them the significance of their actions, but more that they have done something that is rebellious. Rebellion is a great thing, but when the motivations behind it are essentially empty and meaningless it has very little point. So, why not start wearing a iron cross too? I suppose when you puke on paintings and put footage of excrement being released in your video art you have to come up with more new and exciting ways to offend people. I mean, recently someone on my friend's list put up a picture of a cupcake with a swastika on it and it didn't really bother me at all. It's the reasons behind what a person does that are going to really piss me off.

So, I really wish these little twit bags would get out of my head. The experiences with them do kind of lower my self-esteem and it's a shame they make me sometimes feel like I am to blame. Maybe when I go in for my hypnosis they can do something to help change my thought patterns. Essentially we are going to be operating with the idea that these apparent psychic experiences are just a byproduct of the anxieties I feel. I am going to be paying about $500 for 5 sessions and I think it is going to be a worthwhile expenditure. If we can sort out a way to make me stop having these pains in my arms and chest when I am stressed, that would be a good thing. What I go through is pretty paralyzing. When I am having negative thought impressions and burning pains in my chest I tend to just sit around and watch movies or play computer games to get my mind off of them. It's like when I pick up a negative psychic impression that it physically burns me. I don't get the burning pains with too many individuals.

Prior to a former friend telling me she didn't want to hang out with me anymore, I was getting the burning pains and it was associated with her. So, when she did what she did I wasn't 100% surprised. The blogging bothered her too, but a lot of friends I have don't care if I write all this stuff on the internet. They don't really worry about it and some people actually think what I'm doing is a good thing. Those sorts of friends are going to be more valuable to me because they support me for who I am. I just think it is an awful shame that I have to get these burning pains and this nagging sense in the back of my mind for about 4 or 5 people who don't support me. People like Suzy with her nose up the ass of somebody who might think it's fun to wear an iron cross, yet thinks I am a bad person for just blogging about what I honestly think. Sometimes I think I just get all this flack because I'm a woman doing it. If a guy were doing this the reaction might have been very different, but that's just speculation.

I really just wish that all these people would just shut up and leave me the hell alone. That's all I want. It would be nice if I could feel comfortable going out and visiting art galleries again. It doesn't have to be a war even. They could just simply apologize for what they have done and I would be willing to let it all go. In an ideal world it would be that I wouldn't feel awkward about bumping into either Jubal or Suzy or anyone else in their circle. But, they aren't going to apologize and they don't genuinely feel sorry. Just a couple of months ago I had a fake profile putting down my mental health issues and insulting me on my profile. Somebody who knew these people and felt the need to defend Suzy's actions by saying she thought I was going to become obsessed with her brother. Why anybody other than Suzy would actually post those sorts of comments on my page is beyond me. The whole group is so caught up in drama that maybe there is some person out there who I have bearly spoken to who hates me enough to post insulting comments on my page. I know that when I did go out to the Ossington I was often surprised by the number of people who knew who I was and all about my life who I hadn't remembered even meeting prior to that. Maybe the whole group of people are a bunch of busybodies who really don't have anything better to do than make a fake profile and follow my facebook page and start arguing with me. But, I'd be pretty surprised if it wasn't anybody other than Suzy Divine. She really seems to have a special knack at getting entangled in stuff that really doesn't involve her.

Half the time I'd just like to leave this city. I am beginning to think there is something in the water that turns people into pompous douchebags. I hate all the men I've dated in this city. Maybe my high school boyfriend was better because he was from Montreal. Maybe the capitalistic vibe of the city is bred right into the blood of the people born here. I don't know. There are a lot of people in this city who I don't like and lots of people are always saying that Montrealers are so nice and friendly. It's a common enough statement to hear about how Toronto is a cold and stuck up place. I would miss my Satanist friends if I left and a lot of the people within the Wiccan community are nice.

There are even people in the Toronto art scene who aren't so bad and I've had positive psychic impressions of at least 3 individuals from the Ossington scene. There is one art gallery owner who I have the psychic perception of him saying he is sorry and when I receive this impression I am full of the sensation of empathy. 2 other people who I have occassionally had pop into my head and the impression is positive. I don't want to say everbody is that circle is bad. I'm just sick of this impression of Suzy in my head bitching at me. I was getting the impression of Jubal ridiculing various things I have written in my blog, but it hasn't been happening since I started posting this whole tirade about the iron cross and all this shit. I want to get over this shit and having somebody with a fake profile just coming in and insulting my mental health is annoying. It's like I am only bitching about these people because I sense they are out there and thinking and saying these things. It's almost like you are verifying my psychic impression that you are there. I never look at any of your profiles. I've blocked Suzy and Jubal had blocked me. I don't even use my fake profile to look at your pages. I never enter any of your names into my search bar. I never look any of you up on google. I just wish the whole lot of you would leave me alone. The whole lot mostly being Suzy. But, if there are others who read this who have no good intentions, just go away. Just leave me alone. I'm not bothering any of you.

I know I post all of this stuff about, but it is my guess that I would just stop if I no longer feel like I am picking up negative psychic impressions. It's true it could all just be inside my head. There have been a few things in my own personal life that make me think these psychic perceptions are true. A time when I was going to visit a friend, but as I approached his home a feeling of anxiety flooded my body. The next night I went out to Woody's for beer with this friend and he told me he was feeling really awful at the time I had a perception. Times when I just know that the boss was going to bitch at me about something before I got to work. Time's when I could sense my roommate being angry at me for something I'd said and the next time I see her she starts arguing with me. Lots of times it seems to be accurate. Picking up sexual energy off of a person and have them ask me out a day later. There was the time I found out my mom had cancer a few months before the diagnosis, but that was different because I actually did some channeling and spoke with a spirit outside myself to get that information.

I'm not always psychic. Sometimes a guy will ask me out and I haven't even sensed any interest on his part. Very frequently I can feel a lot of sexual energy off of men who do nothing to show interest and even do things which seem to express a lack of interest. I often think ex-boyfriends who have rejected me are thinking about me sexually. That has actually been a big problem in the past.

I understand not everybody believes in this mystical shit, but it's annoying when somebody comes in and starts ridiculing my mental health because I want to open up and write about these things. It's insulting. It's degrading. It's immature. I have made many sacrifices in my choice to open up. I understand that people will think I'm crazy, but I go ahead with it because I think it's important that somebody expresses what these things are like. I'd like to help remove the stigma from mental health issues by being open about what I go through. These problem people are a pain in the ass, but I guess when you take a risk you have to suffer the consequences.

That's all I think I'm going to say for today. God knows it seems like I have been writing this for hours. Maybe I'll go out for a bit of a walk or something. Do something to clear my head. No idea where I really want to go. I want to save my money because I'm going out to a Thelema type lecture tomorrow and people might want to go out for beers after that.