31 August 2011

Thought I'd write another note because I find I'm getting in this state where my mind is wandering all over the place and I am at a loss as to what I should be doing with myself. I have been in and out of my room all day, though it probably looks like all I've done is watch music videos all day as I have posted so many. While at home I got quite absorbed into some music listening and I've been thinking about it all. Some people like watching television, but I'm more the sort of person who likes listening to music. One of my favourite childhood toys was my record player and I always had lots of records to listen to. My mom used to spend so much time browsing secondhand stores and bringing stuff back. She bought me a whole stack of records from a dance club which closed down. I had the Ramones, Art of Noise, Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, Twisted Sister, and others. I used to like writing my own songs too. I didn't know how to actually write music, so I'd just write the words and put the letter of a note above each syllable. I got frustrated and crumpled my songs up and threw them all in the garbage. Only one of them survived which my mother fished out of the garbage can and uncrumpled. It was saved for ages and might possibly still be around in it's highly wrinkled state. I don't really hang onto sentimental stuff much, of course.

I try to not get attached to physical objects and try to refrain from collecting anything other than objects pertaining to magick. I still manage to collect items somehow and my room gets a bit cluttered. Got that huge yoga ball just hanging around my room and it takes up a lot of space on my bed. I just have had a tendency to go through phases where I toss out a lot of my worldly possessions for whatever reason and I try to not get too attached to things. I've left all my photographs and film negatives with my mother so they won't be destroyed. Some people from my past I have hated and shredded up their pictures and used the pictures in black magick. There probably aren't any photos of my former best friend or ex-boyfriend left. I remember sitting at my desk and ripping up every single photo that caused the emotion of disgust in my soul and doubt very many people made the cut. But, I probably still have photos of people like my old boss and friend Lara and then my older South African woman friend who I worked with. I probably saved pictures of certain friends. May have saved 7 photos of my first boyfriend. The rest were burnt, put in witch jars, covered in wax, buried in graveyards, and shreaded and tossed in the garbage.

Sometimes I regret my decision to shred all my report cards from my entire time in school. It would kind of be fun to still have a copy of my second grade one in which the teacher called me a show off. Plus, I got the highest mark in the class a few times in high school in business, fine art, and dramatic literature. But, me, I wanted to be free of the past and reborn. Sometimes I just get an urge to destroy things. Like the time I decided to smash up my entire room after a bit of a break up and an argument with my mother. I was really angry, but I just felt like destroying everything in my room for the fun of it. It was a little embarassing because some of my roommates probably heard it going on and thought that I was insane. There was plant dirt, broken coffee mugs, and I had torn up every single card everyone ever gave me in the proccess too. Mildly regretted not saving some of the cute Valentines and Birthday cards from kids from grade school. Ah well. What can you do?

I just get frustrated as a creative person because everything just builds up and as you keep going on your room can be packed. I used to have enough writing on paper to fill my grandmother's entire hope chest. I ended up leaving this hope chest outside the Gooderham and Worts building in the Distillery District because I had no way of moving it at the time. It was such a heavy object. That hope chest is one thing I wish I could have hung onto, but it's impossible to hang onto stuff when you are always moving around. Man, that was a tough time because there was a cardinal grand cross happening and hitting all my major planets. That's about the point in my life when things were falling apart, but has my life ever been anything other than chaotic?

The cardinal grand cross was a real hit though, and I don't even want to begin to talk about the trauma of it. So many terrible things were happening all at once. I'd rather not talk about specific details because I don't have adequate space in this blog to fully paint a picture of what was going on. Well, I moved to this hotel room in Parkdale and I think I had accidently moved a block away from someone who my ex-boyfriend was dating. The day I went to get my stuff from the Distillery District and moved it into the hotel room I found his car parked half a block away from where I was staying. I know it seems like a big coincidence to accidently move a block away from your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's place, but I think that was what happened. Anyway, it wasn't a pretty picture to have that constant reminder every time I walked along the street and I once left a note on his windshield which was probably 10 pages long. I had become quite unhinged at the time.

I was an emotional wreck because I was also informed around this time that my Aunt Gladys was leaving my Uncle Bill after 30 years of marriage and that had me distraught. Then there was the fact that rent was impossible to afford and my attempt to return to work after a few months of sick leave was proving to be most unsuccessful. I didn't stay in that hotel room for very long as I couldn't afford to pay the rent. Stayed with some friends after that and it was a bit of a mess. I ended up cursing one of the girls I was living with and we haven't spoken since, which I am grateful for. She was the kind of friend who always somehow made me feel miserable about something. The other friend who was also living there had issues with her too. In fact, the other friend wanted us to go to the apartment she moved to after she moved out, knock on the door, and spit in her face. I hated this girl a lot. Known her since grade 9. I still thought going to her apartment and spitting in her face when she answered the door was going a bit too far, though I admit the idea is somewhat comical. But, I think something like that might have resulted in a call to the police. 

The girl I cursed tried kicking me out of the apartment at one point and she threatened to call the police. Me and my other roommate just went nuts torturing her before she moved out. I can't remember the exact progression of everything. At first when I needed a place to stay my former best friend from high school, Aimee, was eager to have me move in because she had just dumped her boyfriend and she wanted someone to hang out with. So, I gave her and the other friend a bit of rent money, but somehow the whole thing ended up with me and the other girl completely hating Aimee and I can't even remember how it all got started. I know the reason I cursed her was because I asked to borrow $2 because I was late for work and didn't want to walk. Well, instead of just a yes or a no, she start reaming me and making me feel like shit for even asking. She gave me the 2 dollars, but my mood was completely fucked the whole day and mood is extremely important to a sales person. I felt so angry and that she had just wrecked my whole day, so I came home and I asked this Satanist friend 'Satan Honors Me' to curse her. He does and some shit happens and we are all raving in excitement about how the curse was working. One of the things that happened the night Logan, aka Satan Honors Me, cursed her was that the cat jumped up on the bed beside her and began urinating on her bed as she slept. Then she climbed in bed with me because of the cat pee. The 2 cats started fighting after this and flew over top of me and landed on her back. Next Aimee woke up complaining of a nightmare of being chased by a black guy with a gun. 

So, we were all posting stuff in the Satanism group I used to moderate declaring that Logan's powerful magick had worked. Then I think it was I who got the bright idea of posting a link in my Satanism group which led to Aimee's Myspace group 'Social Scenes and Self-Reflection'. I thought 'Social Scenes and Self-Reflection' was the most bloody pretentious assed thing to call a group. I told everyone they could follow the link and help out by tormenting this girl who had criticised the Satanic Bible and all else. I didn't really think carefully about the outcome of posting that link, but boy was there some screaming from Aimee that day. I kind of snuck out of the house really fast when I became aware of the fact that her group which was meant to attract neo-hippies infiltrated with Satanists and she was realizing that I posted something to bring them there. Otherwise, she probably never would have read all that stuff we posted in the Satanism group about her. I was out in the hall and I think and heard a little bit of the screaming, but the other girl I was living in told me the full depths of it later when I returned.

I do not remember clearly how we survived the time between her being cursed and her moving out to a bachelor apartment. I know that me and the other girl kind of declared all out war and once put her stuffed animal in the freezer to freak her out. We also ate all of her fudgsicles. Then she stole a bunch of my stuff before she moved out. Stole a yearbook because she didn't have the one from our graduating year. She stole a book on Buddhism by the Dalai Lama which seems to go against all the principles of Buddhism, but whatever. She broke her own mirror, so she ended up stealing mine. I guess I thought I wouldn't give her anymore rent money because she had been such a bitch, so she thought she was justified in stealing some of my things. The yearbook theft really pissed me off because it was the year I was most active in high school and was the most important one to me. I had designed the cover page and there were also photos of me in the school play, so I liked having it around to remind me of the things I am capable of accomplishing. Accomplishments were kind of important to me because I have a lot of stereotypes and stigmas I am trying to break.

My mom's words were 'poor girl' as I guess she felt we had put Aimee through a lot of shit. I think Aimee is a horrible person and I think what she got was just desserts for all the times she has made me feel depressed and miserable in my life with poorly timed sarcasm. Plus, when she moved up to Toronto she just kind of invaded the room I was living in and brought all these negative people in my life. I had some major beefs with her and only tolerated her because she was an old friend and it was a loyalty thing on my part. By the time I cursed her, I just couldn't stand her any longer.

Maybe I shouldn't blame people for things going sour in my life, but for a long time I just regretted the day I let Aimee back in my life and imagined that my entire life would have been a lot better if she had never come up at all. I don't think I can fully make people understand how I felt, but her encouraging me to go out and drink that month was something I had taken issue with. But, when she moved up that was around the time when I was having those first major problems with thinking I was empathically feeling other peoples emotions. I was just so overwhelmed with this whole idea of going out at bars and I wasn't happy about those experiences. You know. Being dragged out to a place like the Limelight and have guys all over you and such. She was no help at getting all the men who were storming after me away. I tend to get silly and was jumping around all over the place and acting like a nutbar when all sorts of men were chasing after me and 2 men actually got into a bit of a shoving match over something. It was a terribly grimy scene and then she met these guys and we were out with them. She actually ended up marrying that guy she met at the Limelight, but I didn't exactly like him and his friend was worse because he was a complete pig. I don't think I want to get into all of the terrible occurences I attributed to her arrival in Toronto. There was also the issue of her getting so enmeshed in my life that suddenly all of my friends were her friends too. It was like I wrote her a letter and made my life sound too good to her, so she decided to come and just take it all over.

The experiences that occurred when she came up kind of lowered my self-esteem and it all would take some time to explain. She depressed me by bringing in people who had absolutely no appreciation for art or intellectual stuff and also had these attitudes I didn't like about women. Her boyfriend's friend actually caused shit at the house because he grabbed one girl's tits and then he went to some girl's door at 2 o'clock in the morning and told her he was looking to get laid. That friend of her boyfriend's got barred from the house, but some of my close friends seemed to partially hold me responsible. All of a sudden a couple of my friendships became very strained and tense. Her moving into the house just created problems for me. So, I don't feel quite as guilty about the way I acted after she let me sleep on her couch out in that apartment building in Jamestown.

I was really happy to get her out of my life and I am happy that I haven't had to speak to her in 5 or 6 years. But, after we cursed her some other strange shit happened. One of our other friends also lived close to the Cabbagetown region and saw her after she moved into her bachelor. I was later informed that Aimee may have taken some bad acid at Om Festival because I am told she got weird for a while. Someone saw her coming out of a crack house. Actually a gay male friend who I had introduced her to a few times. I had forgotten that they had met, but he told the other girl I was living with all about what he saw since they were really a lot closer than me and him. Said when she came out of the crack house she was all 'Hey! I know you!' and something about her demeanor was weird and he felt awkward and tried to get away fast. Then he next told us he saw her begging on the street for change. And, I remember bumping into her old boyfriend who she had dumped, but later went back to and I believe is currently married to. Somet shopkeeper witnessed her behaving odd and her old boyfriend was all worried and wanted to know if I had seen her. I was kind of surprised that he didn't know about how permanently cut off I was from speaking with her.

Then her sister told me she went a little nuts. Said she was just out of it and when they went to her apartment she had unplugged the refridgerator and just had some record player left running and running. Was told about how she was wandering out in the streets with her cat who she had for 10 years and somehow lost the cat. It wasn't really nice of us, but my friend and I decided to make the fake 'Maxwell Somerset' profile and torment her with that. We invented this guy we thought would really impress her. Made him a Leo because she told me that she wanted her next boyfriend a Leo. Made him a little younger because she likes to be around people who make her feel young. Then we decided to set all of his musical interests, favourite books, and movies to ones we knew she liked or would appreciate. Decided he would be from Chatham, Ontario and googled the words 'cute hippie guys' to pick a photograph. Found one we liked on a gay dating site on Florida, and voila, Maxwell had a face. I think we actually stole several photographs to make it all the more believable. Then we decided that he would be a potter and found pictures on the web of pottery and posted them and said he made them. Found a picture of an elderly woman and captioned it 'This is my grandmother and my biggest hero!' It was a regular work of art, so we messaged her with him and she eagerly responded. This was all back in the days when Myspace was big. She was thrilled and she even asked him if he'd like to go out and see a movie with her.

But, me and my friend were both using the fake profile so Maxwell began taking a rather manic turn in his expressions to Aimee. My friend would write really insulting things calling her a crack whore and saying how he saw her come out of a crack house and recognized her from her picture on Myspace. Told her about how he had seen her begging for change on the street. Then I would log into the Maxwell profile and see what my friend had written and immediately try to smooth things over with her and get her to like Maxwell again because I had my heart set on having her stood up by Maxwell. I'd claim everything nasty I said was just out of jealousy and be apologetic. Then my friend would log in and start a ream of insults. Eventually we tired of the charade and I began using Maxwell to torment people in my Satanism group. Used to go in and pretend I was trying to convert everyone to Buddhism while displaying complete ignorance to all Buddhist principles. Maxwell used to get a lot of fuming letters from Satanists. I remember my non-Satanist friend, the co-creator of Maxwell, arguing with one Satanist because he really pissed her off with some homophobic comment. Eventually Maxwell became a favoured feature of the Satanism people in the group who knew his true identity.

I carried on the Maxwell tradition on facebook, but I don't really use him to torment people any longer. I know I sent a message to my ex-boyfriend Manny once through Maxwell and got quite an angry response. But, now Maxwell is almost like a real person to me. I even invented a story about how he accidently killed his parents at the age of 5 by knocking a radio into the bathtub when they were bathing together. I wonder if the gay male pagan actor guy whose photos we stole is aware of Maxwell and if he would be upset about him. Who knows?