11 July 2011

I get so addicted to sounds and words and watching people dance. I feel like I've been sitting at the computer for the past 15 hours. I have just decided to break this little mess about being awake all night and sleeping through the entire day. I scare myself a little bit because sometimes lack of sleep sets off my episodes. There are so many kinds of hallucinations, or perhaps visions, a person can receive. But, if I don't sleep for three days the nerve endings don't seem to connect and I get a lot of static on my mental radio. So, I like to try to sleep whenever I feel tired so I don't have to experience any weird shit.

Today I am forcing myself to stay awake, and I've made it pretty far. I've got some coffee to help me along. I don't know what I am going to do. People keep giving me their beer empties and they keep piling up in my room. One of these days I've got to take them over to the liquor store. I haven't really been selling drinks and stuff like I generally do. It was getting a little out of hand with people coming by at all hours of the night. People still come to the door all the time, but I've been ignoring every single invitation to be social. I haven't even been tempted to socialize for the free booze. I've been asked to have some beer, wine, and vodka with people recently. I just haven't wanted to go. It's all such a haze.

I have been doing practically nothing over the past week or 2 and it worries me a little bit. I've spent hours just staring at a blank screen and trying to think up things to write for Church of the Infernal. Started some work on an email newsletter, but could not find any words I wanted to express at the time. I thought about a few different subjects I wanted to write about. Decided to research herbs associated with Satan. This ended up taking a huge chunk of time because I get sidetracked with reading every little bit of information I can find and trying to absorb it. Spend some time thinking about how this new information can help me as a witch. I always have stuff I am trying to do around here. I kind of like to be left to my own devices.

You know, as reclusive as I can be these days, people in my past have described me as a social butterfly... but, then that was a jealous ex-boyfriend who saw everybody as a threat moving in on his territory. I just don't give a shit about a lot of things anymore. I don't care to go out to any of the bars or events I am invited too. Usually the only thing I am interested in is witchcraft and an occassional art exhibit. I may say cynical stuff about the local art scene, but I still have a lot of painters I like. I go to that little Bau Xi gallery round the corner. They show one of my top 5 favourite Canadian abstract painters, an artist by the name of Alex Cameron. I'm not into the trendy downtown shit. I hate stuff that looks too much like fashion or graphic design or some uninteresting conceptual thing. I still have stuff I like and it's all over the map. I'm just picky. When I was younger I used to be quite arrogant and especially about what I considered to be art. I am not really sure what I have said or done which is arrogant. I've just had at least 3 friends in the past call me arrogant. Once over some television show my friend had on where this guy was teaching people how to draw these dumb cartoon dogs. Another time I think I said the wrong thing to an artist at their opening. Sometimes the weirdest stuff pops out of my mouth.

I get into more than enough trouble for the things I say. Though, I am often pretty tactful. But, since the mental health problem started I sometimes feel like some foriegn entity is communicating through my body and saying things for me. I think they are sometimes trying to help me out a little bit. Especially when I worked at sales. On one call the person wanted to know more about Peter Oundjian, the new conductor. It felt like another being spoke through my mouth and said 'He's very politically motivated'. I think those words got the sale because she was immediately fascinated. Her voice sounded surprised as though she had just heard a juicy bit of gossip. Then I had to think up an explanation towards the words that popped in my mouth, but it wasn't too far a stretch because I could think up several things which were political about the whole deal.

You see, my madness started years ago. I know having a being help you make a sale sounds like a good thing, but there have been other troubling incidents with being trying to speak through my body. My pet cat went missing and I had the compulsion to meow like a cat for 2 years. Used to drive everybody I worked with crazy. I also experienced my voice coming out of my mouth and it was my grandmother's voice. And, then back when I worked as a telemarketer, I felt my spirit spotaneously exciting my body. I practically started drifting above my head and I got so distracted that I lost the sale I might have made.

Back when my mental health got real bad, I was working. Well, the bad part is not being able to work anymore. It's hard to concentrate at work with the telepathic perceptions and shit. Plus, the stress of being in a work environment seems to make me more susceptible to mood swings. Sometimes I'll just start crying on the phone. Music in stores would make me cry. Oh, the hell of hearing some of those dreadful mainstream pop songs that I hate with their rotten lyrics. I would have to run from the store in order to not hear the garbage. Yes, this mental health shit is crazy. I don't know why all these men keep on trying to sleep with me. I spend virtually no time on my physical appearance. Anyway, these days I haven't been too interested in any shit with men. That's why I have been ignoring my phone, not paying attention to who is on chat, refusing offers to drink, and not responding to any messages. I don't even read most of the messages that come into my inbox. I just work on some stuff I set for myself and then go through these slothful cycles.

Years ago I was a very different woman from who I am today. I had a lot more ambitions and I tried a lot harder. I cared a lot more. These days I am just a bit different. I do not keep sentimental articles. I do not really value expenses and have been known to even throw expensive enough possessions in the garbage. I'm half nuts. I once got it in my head that I would run off to California and threw all my stuff out. Probably thought I could make it big and famous in Hollywood. Probably thought all the celebrities would be paying thousands of dollars for Lydia Workman paintings. I used to be a real cocky bugger. Maybe I still am a bit of a cocky bugger. I just haven't got the drive to seek out fame fortune and success. I'm mostly just interested in witchcraft. Then I have a bit of an interest in crime stuff. True crime. Crime fiction. Crime in the newspaper. Wanted to get into criminal law as a kid. I wanted to be a judge and I thought I'd make a really good one because of my ability to empathize. If I could go back in time I'd have joined the police force instead of going to art school. Then I could be a detective and go out and solve crimes.

My great Aunt Ruth was also interested in crime and used to bring these magazines. The magazines were horrible with pictures of dead bodies in them. My mother didn't know how she could stand to look at them. I think they probably helped her cope with the fact that she had an abusive husband. I never really read these magazines very often. I do remember reading one story about this guy who murdered a girl because she made fun of the fact that his dick curved to the side. In my childhood days I had other reading material to cover and generally didn't read crime.

I switched over to crime novels after I started going through my pain. They helped me cope with betrayal and other petty grievances. I figured if people can be big enough assholes to murder their wives for insurance money or rape and kill 12 nursing students, then people can be assholes in other ways too. It keeps my outlook a bit more cynical. I just find it helps to be aware of what some people are capable of doing. When people have hurt me in the past I have tried to understand their perspective and be manipulated and gone through all hell. I like to be acutely aware of all the various colours of bullshit people would pull on you. Not saying I think anybody would murder me or anything. Sometimes it's best to not sympathize with other human beings. That's all I'm saying.