What my life has been reduced to is rather pathetic. I never leave the house these days. What's the point? Meet more lousy people who are going to make your life miserable? No thank you. And, my mother was angry about some stuff I said in my blogs recently. I don't know why people feel that they can just stuff your life full of pain and suffering and then get angry when you want to help yourself heal. Nobody gives a shit about anything I do and the more I suppress my true identity, the happier everyone is going to be.
Tonight I kind of am flitting between wishing I were dead and wishing everyone who has upset me over the years was dead. I really could have had a good life if everybody had just left me alone. It seems like the stronger I try to be, the harder they all try to break me. And, it's so frustrating to have all these men chase after me and I bloody well know that absolutely none of them will even support my identity. People who don't in the least bit understand me claiming to love me or be true friends.
I get so fed up with this bloody damned world and the way it works. The struggle with my weight is causing anxiety attacks sort of. I keep getting this paranoid fear that my mother has cursed me by wishing me fatter because she can better relate to fat people. But, if I lose the weight I'm just going to be liked for my looks the way I was with Manny. I don't want to get drawn into another experience where I feel that the person I am with only sees the shell of me and can't understand what is going on inside. I don't think I will ever actually feel real love again. I don't think there is a man out there who I am going to relate to or think is intelligent enough or particularly feel any sort of respect for. And, if I do, am I even going to be physically attracted to him?
So, I feel like maybe I should just abandon this whole idea of ever bothering to have another relationship. Or just accept it for sexual reasons like I did with Rick. I'm just so stuck. So, writing these blogs gets some people angry and annoyed with me and maybe make them avoid me. But, at least it scares away the ones that are going to hurt the most. I figure by utilizing this true to myself approach I have more of a chance of meeting somebody who can appreciate the real me. And, it would kind of be nice to meet the sort of person who is strong enough that nothing I would say about him would upset him or make him ashamed.
I was watching a depressing movie in the feminist genre this evening and it kind of made me feel down about men. Like being in a relationship in itself is like being engaged in a battle of the sexes. I don't have a man around to weaken and control me and I'm pretty sensitive, so I don't like combative verbal arguments. I try to be kind in my blogs, and I think my mother has been a bit harsh. And, she didn't stay angry for very long. After she told me off for embarassing her there were a few awkward silences and then we just forgot about it and talked about other things like movies and stuff.
Shame is a terrible feeling and I try my best to avoid it as much as humanly possible. I just fight the world by feeling pride in who I am and if they want to judge me for my mental health, fiscal situation, or socioeconomic group, it's their fault and not mine. I don't feel it is right for me to repress my own feelings of pain just to make other people happy. Because the pain is too painful.
And, I have things I could get angry about. I just accept that my mother doesn't support me as an artist or writer. It's not like she ever tells me anything I wrote was well written. She just ignores my writing until she has something negative to say about it. It's not fair for people to just encourage my whole life to be ripped away from me because of my mental illness. I have really suffered enough. There's nothing I can do anymore. I'm on disability and cannot possibly afford to support an art career. It's seems like my mother encourages me to fail rather than succeed.
But, I'm just kind of accepting that I am alone in this world and came into this world alone. I'm an only child and spent my time alone growing up. Sometimes it's just better to be alone. It gives a person a chance to think. I just don't happen to get as much enjoyment out of social contact as I do out of writing. What do people care? Most would draw you down the road of drinking and drugging yourself until you are sick and encourage you to spend your last dime. I don't see any motivating factors in partying too much. Rather just soothe my nerves with weed all day.
People. Escapism. Seem like the same thing much of the time. And, I get irritated about their mannerisms and phrases and just generally begin feeling irritable when I have to talk to some of them. I feel like I have to fake smile or add extra niceness to my voice because I'm just so trying to pretend that I'm all happy to see them or talk to them. There's no major need to fit in with any sort of group. Do I want my creativity polluted by a bunch of people who can't take what I've written and just mellow out. It's art and it's not a bad thing. So many people want to make it out like doing a creative thing like writing about your feelings is a bad thing. I think they lay the guilt on you because they want to have the ability to abuse you and control you.
In a way it's been a good thing that I've been able to keep certain people out of my life. Some of my old friends used to just cause so many emotional problems. Jab you with sarcasm when your nerves are completely raw. No compassion and understanding. The only care in their stupid minds is going out to some dumb bar and dancing and meeting boys. Most people are all plan A to plan B. Eat. Sleep. Get laid. Shop. Conform. So sick of these worldly sorts of grazers. I take more of an interest in people who dabble in the occult. In fact, though I'm a joker, I take the occult pretty seriously. I feel degraded when men come into my life and think it's all that I like whips and leather or something. I get sick of men pawing at me and can't believe some of them persist in pursuing me when I damned near actually hate them. But, I just tend to avoid people when I hate them and some can't get a clue. Maybe some think they can alter my opinion. Not so sure.
I guess I should probably try going to bed now. It's almost 7 o'clock in the morning. I'm back into this late schedule again. I did get out to the store today. Did this and that. Alls fine, and I hope people aren't going to read this and try to console or comfort me. I know people mean well, but I'm sort of the Aries archetype and hate the denotation of weakness and not being competent in being consoled. I only write of the pain because it bleeds out. I won't be going to bed wishing death on people or wanting to kill myself. It's not like that. It's more like I'll probably find something enjoyable to think about and go to bed. I doubt I am going to fume or lament or feel terrible. I think I've said what I needed to say tonight and I don't think I was cruel to a single person. You'e got to remember, I might have some personality characteristics which make me a little difficult when it comes to balancing familial relations and the public sphere. My astrological chart even suggests that I might harm family members, not neccessarily intentionally, through my career. A chart where career is harshly opposed to family. Of course, it also says I probably have a very harsh mother as well. I'd explain more of this interesting kind of play between the polarity of Capricorn/Cancer in my chart, but it's time for bed. It's just that the 2 things of career and family are also very enmeshed together, which may be why I choose to write about my own personal life and other people kind of get sucked in sometimes. You see, I assert myself in this area of my life quite emotionally.
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