29 March 2012

One day I am filled with life and energy and the next I feel lethargic and sluggish. I must have the faith that my energy level will increase as the day goes on. I just don't feel like doing much of anything right now, so I was in bed and read 5 chapters of the Silva Mind Control Method. It's about a visualization technique or a way of controlling your mind. I've worked with some of the exercises before but never stuck with it through all of the exercises. I'm thinking that I'd like to try some of his techniques again. He talks about visualizing while we are in the alpha brain level. He suggests counting as a way of getting to this level. Maybe that's why I'm always in a different mental state than the rest of the world. I have a tendency of counting tasks I do. To some it may sound obsessive compulsive, but I find it the easiest way to motivate myself to do certain tasks. I'm always breaking everything I do down into time increments or numbers of some sort.

Last night I sent off another COTI email newsletter. I also started some membership packages for all of the paying members. I am going to enclose some surprises for Beltane. Going to publish a special newsletter on paper for them. Going to get it going all the better. I spent a chunk of time working on assembling these packages. I will need to get some of those special envelopes with the inner lining of bubble wrap to package everything in tomorrow. I'm still sort of worried about money. Not majorly worried. Only minorly worried.

Ever since I opened up shop in my room and started selling stuff, life has generally been easier. I've just got so many larger purchases I want to make and I don't know what to make my first priority and what to make my second. I've got the phone stuff, my mom's birthday, the bus tickets, and a lot of other little things. A fee to get my taxes done. Laundry money. Money to stock up on stuff to sell. It's such a hassle when people don't pay back money they owe.

I did write up an email and send in some jpegs for that Workman Arts Program at CAMH today. It shall be good to become a member and have some place other than my home to paint. A good step at moving on with my life and going forward with everything. I feel so tired and exhausted right now. Maybe it's just all the stuff going on underneath that bothers me.

But, it's time for a fresh start. I know there are people in my past who won't speak to me and think I belong in a mental assylum. Lots of stupid little things I have done in my life which I regret. I just wish I could banish those people who stream into my mind and bring negative thoughts and feelings with them. I guess I'm kind of scared to bump into people from my past. I'm even mildly afraid of physical violence, but mainly verbal abuse. I don't want to bump into that horrible life ruining beast I dated 10 years ago. Dating him has been the biggest affliction on both my life and my mental health.

At least I cared and wasn't intentionally wanting to hurt him when the break up occurred. So, I had to deal with his friend at work putting salt in my wounds and making me remember stuff I resented. It is truly a shame that some people are vindictive even when you haven't particularly done them wrong. Give a person love, conceal the fact that you're afraid they'll become abusive if the relationship continues, and have their friend pick at you at work. I absolutely can't stand it and I am tired of having my ex-boyfriend ruin my life. I can hardly help but blame him for everything that has gone wrong.

I hate how much unhappiness everything with my ex and some other people from my past has brought into my life. That's one of the reasons I tend to avoid friendships and relationships, and I can't help but think my avoidance is the best idea. Just stay away from people until I feel that I am strong enough to handle the pain they cause. I've suffered from low self confidence in some regards my entire life and I don't want to be around people or experience more that is going to make me feel worse about myself.

People can be so hateful and for the stupidest reasons. The passive aggressive crap people give you because you don't want to kill an hour having coffee with them because you have nothing in common with them and that they bore you. The sorts of things people do out of jealousy. The way people always talk about your sexuality like it's an open topic for all to chat about. I get tired of it all. I get bloody tired of people.

I'm just tired of getting fat. I suppose I feel a bit lousy because I'm tired and I don't want to go out to the gym today. I feel like I should be getting as much exercise and not watching videos or laying around reading books. I just don't feel like doing anything and the whether is cold and gray outside. I should be doing something. I've already been out to the food bank this morning and I bought another carton of cigarettes. My mood is not at it's absolute worst, but it could be a hell of a lot better. I wish there were magic happy, energy pills to take. I don't think smoking weed at this particular second is going to do me any good. I feel full, fat, and bloated from lunch. I ate corn chips with cheese, salsa, and sour cream for lunch. I thought it was going to give me a good energy boost, but I just want to go back to bed.

Yesterday I did another hour of biking at the gym. Burned off more than 300 calories. I wish I were in the mood to do it every single day. In the past I was able to, but that was mostly when I slept in an art studio and had to go some place to shower each morning. Life is about what it is and I suppose I feel that people hate me. I have a hard time believing that all their negative thoughts and words can't harm me. I wonder if I really deserve all this hatred. I didn't ask to be born in the first place, you know.

I think I am just going to watch more videos for a while. Then maybe a bath will perk me up a little bit. I can try to get a couple of loads of laundry done. Then I can get back onto all that work I have set aside for myself. Work on COTI membership and the website. I am so happy to have completed another email newsletter last night and sent that out. Got things to take care of nothing to really be unhappy about. As long as nobody attacks me on the streets or anything. I hate hateful and mean-spirited people. I hate ex-boyfriends. I hate Jubal Brown and Suzy Divine. Don't even get me started on that. I was just thinking today about how Jubal Brown once said he went through a phase where he wanted to be a stand up comedien. As if he's funny. I can't think of anything much amusing about a non-Jewish dipshit going around wearing an iron cross as a fashion accessory. It's like these people are so boring that they need outlandish fashion accessories to provide for what they lack in personality. They are the grown up version of the preppy kids from grade school except they've traded in Ralp Lauren polo shirts for iron crosses and skinny jeans. But, I don't want to spend the rest of the day discussing people who probably suffer from narcisstic personality disorder. I don't care if they think I'm mental because I think they are mental too. Mental in a much more self-centered and malicious way.

It was dumb of me to have a crush on Jubal Brown. About as silly as having a crush on one of the New Kids on The Block. I regret my social conformity and acceptance of people who do crappy things to other. I am all opposed to treating people like shit, whatever you have heard about most Satanists. Jubal Brown isn't really anything that I would sensibly want in a man. I want somebody a little bit smarter and who doesn't have that lost in his teen years vibe. I want a grown up man in my own age group. I want somebody as cynical about life as I am. I want somebody who has the same kind of interests and mischievious side to him as I have. I don't want Jubal Brown and it is unfortunate that people took what I considered to be a playful thing and made it into a serious pursuit of this scrawny piece of art world hype.

I am always picking the wrong men and maybe I'll do it again. But, I refuse to ever try to drown out psychic perceptions by filling the void with other intuitions. I can't explain what it was with Jubal Brown, but I should point out that I may have be using the whole situation to avoid obsessing about my ex-boyfriend. Don't we all have somebody who has burned a hole through our hearts who we desperately try to drown out of our minds by filling it with another person or 'obsession'. I just have a big knack at going for the biggest egotists and then I feel awful because rather than taking a compliment in stride they take it as something to use against me. I've had it with these people. You know, I like a confident guy, but a bit of humility now and then sure would be nice. Nobody I meet has any humility.

I'd like a guy exactly like my former Satanist internet friend Logan who used to go by the name 'Satan Honors Me' back in Myspace. A brilliant guy who is able to write outstanding poetry. Admittedly, sometimes I thought he might have stolen stuff from Crowley and attributed it to himself. But, Logan was a very nice internet friend who would type out those picture drawings with letters for me and send me poems. Too bad he lived far away and we never got a chance to meet. Plus, he seemed to be getting a little bit too into the New Age stuff when I last spoke to him. Then there was the interest in electronic music which I couldn't relate too. Oh well. I guess nobody is a perfect match really. But, he's the only guy I ever liked that much without ever knowing what he looked like. Can you imagine sending daily messages to somebody for 2 years and never knowing what they look like? Anyway, maybe it's best to forget about men in general and concentrate on manifesting my dreams in the physical realm. I've got a great Satanic kingdom to build.

Oh, and I saw my first robin of the spring today. I saw it and I made a wish. I wished to be rich.