It looks very springlike for a January day in Canada. Probably
global warming and we're all going to die. The polar ice caps will
probably start melting and in a year or 2 we will all be knee deep in
water. All the new condominiums they keep building will be sitting in
water and start to tumble down. This is the sort of thing we should
all be thinking about when we pollute. Most people are so happy about
the weather, but I know better than to be happy about anything.
Happiness is but a brief moment and generally just the calm before
the storm. Even acknowledging when things are going positively seems
to have a way of messing them up. Tell someone your secret formula,
and then your secret formula just loses it's power. That's about how
I feel about life, but I do realize that most feelings are temporal
and I'll probably feel quite different about life later on. Probably
go back to feeling indifferent about the weather.
I'm sure it will be freezing cold when I go to Quebec City. In the
winter it's always much colder when you travel out east than it is
here in Toronto. Toronto always seems way warmer than places like
Montreal, Brockville, and Ottawa. I'm sure Quebec City will be cold.
I still can't wait to go. They are holding Winter Carnival which is a
week long celebration. I think it's probably the biggest celebration
of cold weather in North America. Each night they apparently have an
outdoor dance party. I mainly want to check out the dog sledding and
do some ice skating. I'm going to have a wonderful time. I kind of
like winter activities. My general opinion of snow and ice is that it
is pretty and condusive to all sorts of wonderful activities. I
remember doing a taffy pull in the park across the street from my
grade school as a kid.
I got caught out in the cold when I was about 5 years old for 2
hours. My mom dropped me off at the school to watch a movie. The
teacher was at the door when my mom dropped me off, but she went
inside before I made it down the path. When I got to the door it was
too big and heavy to open. I was also a very timid child, so I just
left. I had to stand out in subzero weather for 2 hours and I know I
was crying by the end of it. That happened in kindergarten. It was a
traumatizing experience, but I noticed that it wasn't traumatizing
enough to create a huge fear of cold weather. A lot of things in life
traumatize us, but only a select few experiences really screw us up
psychologically.The only thing about that experience I remember being
left with was thinking the kindergarten teacher was a bit of an idiot
not to wait for a child to come in out of the cold. And, maybe that
is a big reason why I felt negatively towards authority figures.
I hated most of my early grade school teacher. I was always really
certain they were judging me and treating me like less of a person
because of the fact I came from a single parent family. It may not
have been completely true, but I always thought it was. My mother at
home also reinforced that idea and that is why she chose to never
attend any parent/teacher interviews while I was growing up. She
thought the teachers would start treating me differently once they
saw how obese she was. I don't know how much my mother weighed, but
she was too big to be weighed on the scales at the doctor's office.
More than 400 pounds. Some of the kids used to make fun of her and
those very same kids beat the crap out of me to the point that I was
taken to the hospital once to make sure I wasn't hurt too badly.
Those were more the sorts of experiences which were really scarring
as I grew up. The kinds of experiences which made me withdrawn and
antisocial.
I happened to be about 4 years younger than these kids and some of
them were just awful. There were 3 families at the time which were a
problem. 3 older kids who would gang up on me. One was a boy who
tried to set our house on fire and hit me in the eye with a rock.
That whole family was kind of weird and I saw the youngest girl
shitting in her own backyard this one time. One might tend to think
that the parents were overwhelmed by having 3 kids or something. The
parents were nice people and the elderly Greek orthodox grandmother
was a nice woman. It's just the kids that would behave badly.
The Greek kids could be considered two faced in a sense. It was
the older brother who did the really bad shit, like trying to set our
house on fire. My grandmother saw smoke rising up past her bedroom
window and this kid was below it setting leaves and paper on fire. I
don't get where some kids just get the stupidest and brattiest ideas.
Trying to set a house on fire is a criminal thing. It could have been
really serious too. At least it was noticed before the whole bunch of
leaves in that little walk space between our house and the warehouse
next door caught on fire. I'm sure his parents gave him shit about
that one.
I was lucky to have all the kids I didn't like just move out of
the neighbourhood. Our family was one which stayed in the
neighbourhood. My mother owned that house for about 20 years. A lot
of the younger families in the neighbourhood weren't as settled and
just rented their houses. That's probably why most of them moved
away. The socio-economic group in my neighbourhood was rather mixed.
I lived a block away from the water and most of the houses on our
street were 2 story birck houses. It was a very attractive place for
somebody who wanted a nice house close to the river. I could see the
river from my bedroom. The neighbour across the street owned a
popular pub in Brockville and put a deck on the roof. He also gutted
the kitchen so that it had a cathedral ceiling. One of the houses was
a mini mansion and a lawyer lived there. Someone else on our street
was a city councillor. 2 French Canadian houses of people who were
related to each other. There weren't always a lot of kids. There used
to be when I was really young. A whole street one block over got
demolished in order to build a parking lot. There used to be a 4
story apartment building on the corner and it got torn down. After
that fewer low income families were cycling through the
neighbourhood. They still did a bit, but it wasn't the same as
before.
I liked that fact that they tore this building down, though I was
rather peeved about this one house being torn down. An old lady lived
in that house and she didn't want to sell it. Her daughter some how
got power of attorney and sold it out from under her. It always
seemed like such a nasty thing to do to an old lady. Especially since
she really loved her home, and it happened to be a beautiful building
in itself.
The parking lot made a good roller skating rink. It was always
vacated after dark. One of the nicest restaraurants was right there
and there was a wheel chair ramp which we'd get in trouble for using
for roller skating or skate boarding. When I would roller skate there
would often be people around on skateboards too. The restaurant was
in a historic building and called 'The Grist Mill'. There was a creek
with this high stone walls around it running past the side of the
restaurant. Used to make people lie down on their backs with their
heads hanging over the edge as a part of some initiation rite I made
up as a kid.
True to the Aries personality trait of leadership, I always
gravitated towards being the leader of something as a child. It was
almost like a trait which came naturally at times, but I'm not even
always like that. It's like elements of my personality go dormant or
hibernate for a while. I was often accused of being bossy by the
other children. Most people probably think of me as a shy and gentle
lamb. That's only in certain situations. Other situations pull out
other aspects of my personality. I've noticed that certain
astrological signs will make you act differently. I sometimes try to
stay away from large groups of air signs because I don't like the
side of my personality which comes out when I am around them. They
stir up the fire, which I have a ton of in my chart, and I might
start acting in ways I don't like. I act like a show-off, dare devil,
and I thrive on a lot of attention. I prefer to hang around with the
sorts of people I feel will having a more stabilizing impact on my
personality.
Today I am going in for my introductory session for hypnotherapy.
$500 is a hefty price to pay, but why not do something I really want
to do even if it is going to be a pinch on the budget. It's been
something of interest ever since I read about Edgar Cayce and the
sort of work he did. I might even try to hook up with a past life
regressionist after I am done this therapy. The group I am getting
this therapy from says they are only using scientifically proven
methods. Maybe I could also find people who operate as
hypnotherapists out of an interest in the occult later. I think I'd
just like to see if I can understand the whole idea of hypnotism. My
mother tells me that she was using self-hypnosis when she was
suffering from cancer. She has a friend from California from the
internet who is into stuff like that and he sent her a bunch of
tapes. My mom's friend is also into remote viewing.
I guess I should start getting ready. I don't have to be to the
clinic until 4 o'clock, but I should take some time to clean up
around here. It's getting messy. Yesterday I pretty much spent the
entire day studying astrology. I was working on 2 astrological charts
and it took some work. One chart is a prediction for the year to
come. The chart I haven't finished yet was given to me without an
actual time of birth, so I was unable to calculate the ascendent.
I've noticed that this person is currently going through their second
Saturn return and thought that I might just write about that when I
am doing my reading.
So, I guess I'd better go. I'll smoke another bowl of weed. Make
another pot of coffee to drink before I go. I'll clean up around
here. Then I'll freshen up and head out the door. It's a beautiful
day outside. Even if it does point towards our eventual demise
through arctic ice cap meltage and the destruction of the ozone
layer.
