13 October 2011

There. I've changed all my privacy settings so people can't read shit unless they are on my friends list. This should help me feel a bit freer in my creative self-expression. I'm just so annoyed of that 'Jordon Jeffries' profile bugging me. I think this fake profile was created by Suzy Divine since it started bitching at me after I called her a cunt. Also went on to defend Suzy's treatment of me out at the Ossington that night. I am also paranoid that Jubal Brown is reading my posts and ridiculing me. This should cure a few of those problems. I blocked 'Jordon Jeffries' and said that they were harassing me as the main reason. Now I am just left to wonder how many other fake profiles are floating about on my rather larger friends list.

Now I should be able to freely write about my mental health issues, feelings, upbringing, and all else I want to without some fucker coming around and taking shots at me. I think I've got it set so that the only things that appear are my name, photo, and that I am CEO of Church of the Infernal. I'm tired of all this childishness and I don't want to further contribute to it. Time to move on with my life and focus on the things which are most important to me. I did notice that I've got quite a few people blocked and I can't even remember who they are or why I have blocked them. Probably people who said some pervy shit to me or something.

In some ways I feel a bit unpleased about limiting my audience. I am just not wanting my creative juices to be polluted by the fact that I know people who don't wish me well are reading my words. It's time to take a new approach to managing my facebook profile. And, I had better watch out for people trying to add me over the next little while. Maybe just stop blindly accepting all friends requests. I know it goes a bit against my idea of being transparent, inclusive, and a lover of all of humanity. It is just that I have had enough. And, maybe after a while I can reopen my profile to the public.

Look at it this way, I won't have to be paranoid about ex-boyfriends and former friends reading my words. I can start running my own life again and not worry about anything. Enough is enough. Enough is bloody well absolutely enough. Damned fucking trashy children that Suzy Divine and Jubal Brown. This blog is meant to be read by grown ups who understand human emotions and can feel touched and moved by my words. That is about how it all goes.

And, it will probably get a whole bunch of people off my mind too. You know me and my psychic thing with believing I am experiencing telepathy. Whether it is psychological or real occult phenomenon, I can't tell you. I just think it shall all be for the best if I feel that a bunch of ill-intentioned people are not reading my blog. Time to move forward with a new life.

Today has been a lethargic day. I like to feel that I have posted a note up on facebook and done a little something to develop as a writer. With that 'Jordon Jeffries' profile bugging me I sit and stare at the screen and try to formulate words to somehow impact the understanding of a moron. You can't open the heart of a person who is blindly hateful and not open to understanding. So the whole thing has called for somewhat drastic measures. And, I can bitch about what cunts they are in complete privacy if I want to. Bah!

These people disgust me in that they have retained the ways of teeny boppers well into their late thirties. Utter children and I don't want to be bothered with that whole scene. I've been patient enough and now I have dealt with it the best way I know how. It shall be good and hopefully they won't get to me anymore. Hopefully they won't be in the back of my mind.

They might be more popular and fashion conscious people, but I am much happier being my honest and truthful self. Don't want to have to try to be somebody I'm not in order to fit in with the 'cool' kids and in actual fact I don't think they are very cool at all. I think they have trashy attitudes which are cheapening. I hate the sorts of women who act like garbage just to fit in. Fuck them. To hell with them all. I'm not going to let these people affect how I feel about myself.

I didn't fit in with the popular kids in grade school neither and one of my best friends was always trying to get me to behave in a way to fit in with them. It must be Saturn in my chart asking me to question my self-esteem. I think what I need to learn is to be myself and be a strong woman despite how popular people see me. And, I should reap the rewards again by the time Saturn lands in someplace powerful in my chart like Scorpio. When it hits Scorpio it shall be hitting all those watery planets I have in my chart and life should get easier. Didn't my life get a lot better when I was a teenager when Saturn went in Scorpio? I think it did.

I just have a tough chart and have particular life challenges. When you are brought up in a single parent family by an obese mom it's not easy fitting in growing up. So, as an adult, I guess, Saturn is going to throw the same challenges up at me and teach me to find self love throughout the hate. It's just that I'm getting a little sick of the hate of these people and want to take a break from them.

These kids out at the Ossington have the same kind of arrogant attitude of thinking they are better than everyone else like a lot of the little brats I grew up with. Bah to them. To hell with them in a hand basket. I can do better than this. I've just got to keep moving in my own direction because this art scene and these people here in Toronto are not the center of the universe. No sir. I'm going to get free of it all once I've got my trusty passport. I think it's time to expand my perimeters and start exploring the occult community in different cities. I just got to keep the cash coming in a bit so I can travel around and do my thing. Things are going to get a lot better.

I've got those Satanist Meet-Ups I've been hosting. Tom took in a couple more of my paintings to try to sell. Might do another poetry slam soon. Life is going to be absolutely fine. Just because these people think they own the downtown art scene doesn't make it so. I've got to just try to find the parts of the art world where Jubal Brown isn't going to be. Pisses me off that I've seen Jubal Brown twice since the summer in Kensington Market which is kind of my stomping grounds. I haven't been going out to their lousy events. You'd think they could leave me with a couple parts of the city I feel comfortable in, but expecting people to not go to Kensington Market is a little bit much. Boy, I sure hate these people and it's really because they are very mean spirited.

I know I'm not perfect and maybe did some stuff wrong back when they did their little whack attack on me. Bah. They are just like kids in grade school who use intimidations tactics to control a situation. Narrow-minded people too, since they haven't been too terribly sweet about my mental health issues. They haven't considered how their hateful attitude exacerbates my mental health issues, but then they aren't considerate people. I have had enough of them. Boy, they have a hell of a lot of nerve. Nerve, and utterly trashy attitudes.

Anyway, I'm not down with trashy people who normalize degrading treatment towards women and get away with it because of their looks and that they have a bit of a name. No sir. I absolutely hate the way people will just tolerate sexism and be a bunch of ya ya heads because their friend is popular. I ain't holding my tongue about any of this and am mad as hell. I'm still not fully convinced that those messages from the Jubal Brown 'impostor' weren't in fact from Jubal Brown himself. Jubal is always whining about getting older and in the messages I was sent their were comments expressing the same sentiment. And why would an impostor send me a video link to Jubal Brown's work and ask me what I thought of it? And then why would an impostor make certain comments about Jubal Brown's brother? See, whoever it was knew a hell of a lot. If not Jubal Brown himself, it's got to be someone who knows him pretty well.

But, this should be enough about these people. I am hoping my new privacy settings will eliminate worries and propel me to write about deeper issues than the social troubles I have with a bunch of spoilt urban brats. I'm sick of it. I also don't want to feel like any of my ex-boyfriends are reading my words. Life should be a bit easier now. I guess it should be easier. I don't know if I feel angry enough to fume about this for too much longer. I just want to concentrate on all the work I've got set for myself and do something with my life.

Won't have to worry about that fat Justin slob who I reported to the building for harassing me either. I think he was the one making those prank phone calls because he made it known that he had seen photos on my profile. I noticed on my new phone that you can actually add an app which will disguise your voice if you want to prank call people. I don't need that ugly cow calling me up and pretending to be other people from the building and making sexual remarks to me. It is officially time for me to toughen up a little bit and rid myself of all this bloody damned garbage.

Got better things to do than worry about some ignorant dipshit making comments about the 'voices in my head' when I want to try to objectively discuss my mental health issues. I know that Jubal Brown and his friends are all really backwards and ignorant now and I am happy to not hang out with them. Can't stand Jubal and I don't think he's the brightest light on the Christmas tree. Referring to some middle aged women as 'designing women'. It's like he has no respect for people and I don't like that. I feel that if the kind of person he gets along with is Suzy Divine it's flattering that he doesn't care for me.

Plus, him making sexual remarks to me and treating me like a stalker afterwards. I'd like to see him get his fucking nuts kicked in. That would be what the asshole deserves, but the world caters to arrogant pretty boys with smug attitudes. I should know as I've dated many a smug pretty boy and put up with their garbage. If a guy is good looking people are just so utterly willing to ignore the fact that they are sexist, jerky, pricky, mean, and verbally abusive. I know all that about because of the heap of shit and lack of support I had to go through breaking up with Manny. Manny's another one who could use his ego chopped down to size. Most of them can.

But, I move forward. Onwards and upwards and onto good things. Never again will I make the mistake of being overly expressive about a crush. Of course, initially Jubal Brown encouraged my crush and told me he was a 'sucker for attention'. The thing I hate the most is the passive aggressive attitude and disrespectful way he has acted. It's never like he dealt with anything politely. Hate his attitude and I truly have bad taste in men sometimes. I guess I get a bit blind sided by a pretty face and probably will again. That's about how life is.

Anyway, we all make mistakes. We all think somebody is more special than they actually are and feel things that aren't true about them. I used to think Jubal Brown was humble and a really nice guy. Now I think he is a manipulative pig without the balls to confront a problem on his own in a diplomatic manner. And that Suzy Divine girl just barked at me like a dog the last time I was out at the Ossington. They aren't so great on the inside, but from the outside I suppose they looked kind of edgy and interesting. Better off spending time with people with a softness to their hearts and some character. Ah, I'm not into the whole scene and I am out of it. Glad to be out of it. At least the Wiccans I hang out with sometimes are down to earth and real people with integrity. I don't need to spend my time with a bunch of assholes.

It is with great shame that I admit that I sometimes daydream about smashing that Suzy Divine in the face. I hate utterly disgusting people without any backbone. People who just follow and don't act like decent human beings. But, my first impression of her was that she was trash. Somebody posted 'fuck you' on the wall for Intervention Monday. Jubal Brown wrote 'fuck who?' in response and I admit that him getting flustered by such a petty insult kind of made me feel like he's not the sort of guy I really respect. Then Suzy types in 'hopefully me' and that gave me the impression that she's a bit of a tramp.

For all my dabbling in strip poker I am pretty conservative about sex in some ways and I don't like the meaningless and kind of empty attitudes that Jubal and his friends seem to have about it. I'm not the sort of woman who thrills about reading all the sex tips in cosmopolitan magazine. Hell, I think Cosmopolitan magazine is kind of trashy. In this day and age it's easy to succumb to peer pressure and try to present a more sexualized image to the world. All I'm really saying is that I'm not the sort of chick who takes sex and relationships too terribly lightly. I feel that it's kind of gross to have to wake up next to some icky guy the next morning and have his sweat all over my bed. That's one of the reasons I fixate on guys sometimes. It makes me feel safer if I have a permanent crush because it helps me to avoid being taken advantage of or getting confused when I am out drinking. So people who think I've been obsessed with them ought to get past their own vanity and ego and think about that for a second.

Some men on facebook don't understand my sense of humour and think that because I'm in a group like 'Toronto Sex Addicts' I am interested in meaningless sex and send me all kinds of pervy suggestions. I don't need anymore of that shit. It's a tough world for women with there being a delicate balance between being sexually open and being sexually harassed and disrespected by men. To hell with all of them. Bloody well had enough of all their bloody baloney and I don't care if my words frighten off men who are interested in me and whatnot.

I once read in a dating book that casual sex 'doesn't wash off like make up' and I believe this is true. Sex is a very powerful way of connecting to a person and their energies and emotions are going to rub off on you. If I hadn't had sex with Manny so soon I'd probably have saved myself a lot of heartache because I would have much more closely examined the fact that he wasn't the brightest guy, nor the nicest guy either. But when we first started going out he would say he was my 'guardian angel'. More like guide to hell if you really think of the impact he had on my life.

In the dating book it is said that sex to soon can form a bond with the wrong person or frighten the right person away. It's a shame it always seems to come up so soon in a relationship these days. Not like guys are ever that eager to wait. I would rather try to find someone I really click with and get along well with. In high school it was so much easier when I met Tom. The emotional and intellectual bond was established first and it worked out well. But, why am I blathering about love and relationships anyway? Who needs them?

Anyway, I have my own feelings and am not exactly eager to meet anybody new right now. I don't want anybody who isn't a Satanist. I'd rather have somebody who writes, paints, or is creative in some way. I'm not open to anybody new really. I'd rather just keep things the way they are going right now. Would much rather be with somebody who has seriously dabbled in the occult. I know some people just don't get why I am not interested in them or why I've dumped them. I had to explain myself blue in the face to that Jason guy I was dating. Why did I get myself into that situation where I was dating Jason in the first place? Guess I just thought I'd be single for a long time and give somebody a chance who I wasn't exactly crazy about. It's not like Satanic occultists come into your life everyday here in Toronto. So, I get stuck seeing people I haven't got all that much in common with and then my personality is repressed. Well, no more of that anymore.

Life will be better. I just have to get into a bit of a fitness plan to take off a few pounds and then I will be perfectly enticing to exactly the sort of man I want to attract. I saw myself in the mirror today and thought I look rather cute. It gets frustrating seeing all these plastic barbie doll type women who seem everywhere down in this Queen Street region of Toronto. I still look absolutely adorable and I am sure somebody will appreciate me for who I am. Then I can find somebody suitable and we can get married and live happily ever after on the Satanist retreat centre I want to start as soon as I earn big bucks and can afford a plot of land in the country.