5 July 2011

I have had so much fun acting like an idiot for the past few days. I don't know if I can explain the world I am locked into to my readers. I have had so much fun posting on facebook with my fake profile who is this magickal being me and a comrade created by the name of Maxwell Somerset. It's so nice to have an imaginary friend who says whatever you want them to say. But, I almost died laughing last night at the whole notion of buying pottery at a flea market and telling people you made it yourself. I've just been goofing around for the past couple days. I ran out of some of my meds, I suppose and am maybe a little unbalanced. But, what is life if it is all the same mood. I just don't like it when I'm way off the meds and am locked in a cage of misery.

Losing my mind was a bit of a dissappointment. I had previously hoped to stomp my way to fame and fortune like a barbarian, but the goddess Fortuna can be harsh with the cocky. I am afraid she decided to teach me a lesson and made my luck go down the toilet. But, I don't blame Fortuna entirely for my suffering. If there is a God up in the heavens he is probably punishing me too. I stick with Satan because he always understands. Satan knows what it's like to be an outcast or the black sheep of the family. Satan takes care of me pretty well. Aphrodite and Apollo generally shine on me. I don't have to worry too much about pissing off a couple of gods here and a few demonic entities here and there. Most people are too paralysed with fear to even bother conversing with demonic entities, goblins, trolls, and ghosts. People need to pull a stick out of their asses and get in touch with the spiritual forces which abound in life.

The mundane and weary cannot appreciate the great divine which stretches out like a carpet of stars in front of us. There are people in this world who have never once gazed into a crystal ball, nor are their eyes open enough to see the fae folk roaming amongst us. These people live a life devoid of meaning. They live a life focused around money and one day they'll feel the wrath of Fortuna's blow for their cockiness. I should know because Fortuna wrath is nothing to laugh about. If she isn't showering her magick gold and silver coins into your life, you know things are going to suck a little bit.

And, things suck now just a little bit. I've kind of been dreading dealing with certain people who I see every day lately. See people are always coming to my door to ask for this and that. Sometimes Fortuna weakens her vigour in punishing me and people have money for me when they come to the door. More often it's somebody wanting a rolling paper, a lighter, to borrow my cell phone, bus fare, beer, cigarettes, soft drinks or to borrow $20. I kind of get tired of all this and have been glad it has been quiet for the past couple of days.

I haven't been going out anywhere at all because I am keeping extremely off kilter hours. I am falling asleep in the late mornings or early afternoons and waking up in the evening. I am generally up until the crack of dawn. It's not like I can go out much of anywhere in those hours, so I have just kind of been stuck inside. I haven't been too thrilled about having to deal with menstrual blood over the past couple of days. I don't know how all those other millions of women out there manage to wear tampons when I imagine being penetrated by a tampons would be a traumatizing experience. When I was about 13 or 14 I tried to put one in with a lot of vaseline, but I think I was left scarred from the experience. From that day forward I have never tried to use a tampon again, though I envy women who can wear them and go swimming while they have their periods. I never go swimming anymore. Can't meet a guy who wants to get up off his ass and go skinny dipping with me. 

I feel like a vampire. It's like I haven't really seen daylight in days. I did have a beer on the roof today, though. I suppose I could have bought some beer for myself today, but I've been in the mood to try to hang onto my money. I haven't even been selling soft drinks this month. Get tired of the traffic to the door. I'm worried about kind of encouraging people to come to my door. I figure the fewer times I hear people knocking at my door the better. Today it hasn't been that bad. Maybe about 5 people have come to my door today. Some of them brought money, so that was good.

I'm going to have to find a new way out of this slump. All I have to do is try breaking my patterns. But, it's hard to know what my body is going to say by the time morning arrives. I will undoubtly be up all night once again. I've been waking up around 6 o'clock in the evening. But, I should push myself to get some work on some projects done. I can't just succumb to the world of watching 'Cold Case' and posting facebook updates. I must embark on completing massive works of love, grace, art, and beauty. I am a special girl. I know because the Great Creator told me so. Of course, I think that was what influenced me to get so cocky in the first place. The Great God flattered me so much that it went to my head a little bit. Well, Fortuna saw my unbelievably cocky attitude and she decided to knock me down a few pegs. She turned me into a raving lunatic with serious mood swings and telepathic sensations. She ripped away from me that career world which I had so badly wanted to succeed in. She made an ass of me, and honestly, I'm not really sure if I have truly forgiven her yet. I just try to worship here a little bit now and then so she'll be nice to me. We're getting along all better.

Yep. Going to need to get my shit together so I can be a famous artist, writer, witch, magickian, Satanist, and prophetess. I know those sound like some pretty tough jobs to fill, but some of us have got to do it. Inside my soul the sacred fire was lit and I have assumed a form of goddesshood. I am a direct conduit to the entire spiritual realm because of my enlightened state of being. I am not like all the riff raff out in the world today, you know. I am a spiritual being with a special mission here on earth. That's why I've set up Church of the Infernal Ministries. I must serve the devil and make the world a better place. I also wish to undertake the creation of a new world order with me and my comrades at the very top.