12 January 2012

Well, at least none of the hipsters have made any fake profiles and sent me any hate mail recently. Since I've been bad mouthing their lack of sensitivity I thought these loyal pilgrims would have each others back. I can tell you that when somebody who has told you to flee for your life, called you a dangerous person, and pointed out how you are not welcome to be a part of a social circle due to your mental instability, it truly is irritating to see them putting 'fraulein' in front of their facebook name. It has brought to mind a memory of seeing a iron cross on Jubal Brown's neck. It's becoming increasingly challenging on an emotional level to see the other artists within their community as anybody worthy of any respect. It is frustrating to see artists who lack sensitivity and maturity getting art reviews in national magazines, exhibiting at MOCCA, and being invited to show their work internationally. One naturally would prefer to see the society we life in rewarding the individuals who exhibit responsibility, strength, morality, and goodness achieving success in the art world.

I'm a Satanist and these same people have openly criticized me and rejected me for those beliefs. When I adopted the label 'Satanist' I was well aware of the rejection from society I would face and thought this rejection would strengthen my spiritual gumption. Of course, I too indulge in behaviour which would piss of certain elements of society. It seems like I am the last one who should be pointing out that having a bit of fun and trivializing the holocaust for the sake of fashion is insensitive. But, it does really get under my skin and my gut response is that these pip squeaks out to have the shit kicked out of them. Why not give Jubal Brown a little taste of the sorts of violence he likes to present in his video art since he feels he has so much to communicate about the subject. He perspective towards violence has been limited to the video clips of staged violence of Hollywood and whatever else he can find of the subject in the media. I'm being facetious, but I'm sure you all understand my point.

These people have been rejecting towards me and have lowered my self confidence. The main reason I no longer attend art events is the idea of bumping into somebody from this social circle. In addition, in trying to strike up a conversation with many local art gallery owners I've found the encounters to be cold, condescending, and intimidating. I feel like a complete outcast and my spiritual beliefs make me feel self-conscious. Yet, the abandonment of my work as a Satanist feels emotionally like a cowardly idea, even if it might improve my chances in my career field and social life.

When the same people who have rejected me because I am a Satanist associate with individuals who decide it might be a little bit fun to be a rebel and add some NAZI to their image, I can't help but get pissed off. These are the same people who believe I have absolutely nothing interesting to say and am not of merit as a friend. I personally am an individual to avoid, exclude from parties, and not associate with. They aren't even going to raise an eyebrow about a bit of holocaust inspired jewellery or the adoption of a title which obviously has an offensive connotation. I can't say that any of this makes me feel that the people within our art community are either intelligent or thoughtful people. It leaves me with the strong impression that they don't care about anything but having a fun bar night and being popular.

The sad part is that I used to really love painting and I find an experience which I used to enjoy lacking in any reward or pleasure. What fun is it to go out and admire the work of talented abstract painters when they are participants in a community which encourages elitism and conformity and is proud of it? When I pull out a canvas and some brushes and think about where I might be if I really tried my hardest my spirit is not fueled with the fire of motivation. My spirit is filled with sadness at the realization of how little it really matters. If I became successful, I would be catering to the wealthy by producing a product which only they can afford. And, if I do it for the merit of recognition with in a community, it is a community which has sent out a hurtful message to me. People who have made me feel inferior and some who have done things which have made me cry.

If anger is a map, why does my anger overwhelm me, depress me, and make me feel like there is nothing I can do to make the world a better place? Why is my power void and impotent? I am a small voice in this world, and an unimportant individual in the Toronto art community. Everybody in this particular social circle is going to go about their lives. Doesn't really seem to be a lot I can do about it. It has sparked the dormant combative elements of my personality and made me want to fight just a little bit.

Maybe all of this is a call to action for a new message to be enclosed in the Satanism literature I send out to my followers. Maybe it should be more important for Satanists to openly stand against anti-Semitism. Within the Joy of Satan website there is a pro-NAZI message and maybe that should actually bother us a little bit more. It bothers me when I see spoilt brats who have had the world handed to them on a silver platter receiving support and sporting NAZI jewellery just to enhance their bad boy image. Art is supposed to be an intellectual thing and the members of that community are supposed to have something to say. Maybe the life of art as a vehicle for political change is something which can be buried in a grave. Maybe the role of political action should be allotted a new spot within the social framework of society.

All in all, I don't enjoy a good fraction of what Toronto has to offer. I don't enjoy a lot of the people I have met here, but within the Satanist and Wiccan communities I have found friends. Un fortunately, I no longer feel comfortable attending services at the Wiccan church any longer simply because there too they make me feel small and unimportant. I can say that my times at the women's circle didn't breed that spirit, but current people holding positions at the church have done some things which trouble me. Albeit, nothing nearly as insensitive as sporting NAZI inspired jewellery. It is more subtly a matter of general condescending treatment of certain people on the steering committee. Somebody being awarded a particular position despite his lack of respect to those who have a smaller role within the community. Of course, when a young male speaks in an impatient tone towards females it is my reflex to think that this is disrespectful. It actually might seem like a small thing, but it is enough for me to dislike a person and feel that I wouldn't enjoy participating in a circle full of their personal energies. It also makes me question the validity of this very spirituality which rewards an individual who has made a community feel more a place for the elite few they feel are worthy of respect. I could bring up the harsh attitudes they showed towards me when I posted pictures from the Eros party and mention that I feel their actions were a power play rather than a direct communication of a reasonable feeling. I could also state that their attitudes were not reflective of simply pointing of a wrong on my part, but an effort to make me feel like a lesser person. That isn't really as bad as having fun being insensitive towards other people's dead ancestors, but it bothers me because it sets up a 2 tier system within the Wiccan church. Essentially, my general outlook on life reflects an attitude of support for the little guy and empowering those who might not feel so powerful.

So, I guess it is time to get on with life for the day. I have promised 3 free astrological charts to people who subscribe to my Church of the Infernal newsletter. I don't really want to drag my ass on this matter and procrastinate until it is a big chore. These charts are going to involve quite a little bit of work. One of the astrological readings I am doing is going to involve year-for-a-day progressions and this is going to take doing some actual calculation. The 2 other charts are just birth charts, though those require a bit of effort too. I've already cast 1 chart and am currently studying it so I can figure out what I want to say in my interpretation. I haven't yet touched the other 2 charts and best be at it. All is well in our world, I suppose. No matter how cynical I feel about it all. I guess the good guys probably do outnumber the bad guys. I suppose we can all go back to what we were doing and enjoy living in the moment.