It's a torture to deal with the average person in today's society, but at least the masses no longer burn witches. I think the world is about to get better. I think technology is going to enhance our experiences with occult phenomenon. Imagine if this new technology I was reading about the other day where they can produce a movie picture of your thoughts by monitoring your brain waves takes off. Within the next couple of days we might have technology advanced enough to record our dreams on a camera at night. We will actually be able to prove psychic phenomenon exists without a doubt at this point. And, that day can't come too soon for a psychic like myself who has been dismissed as a crazy and loose canon.
There is an exiting future to look forward to. I am sure that eventually this kundalinic fire will subside and I shall be able to block out sensations I dislike. It's difficult when unpleasant people fill my mind and I have to keep asking myself why it is that these things occur. It's kind of hard to tell what is reality and what is my imagination. And there are so many people out there who dismiss all psychic phenomenon and spirituality. In fact, there are so few people who believe in this sort of stuff that I often feel I am alone in this world.
And, it is disturbing that I have people coming into my profile and making negative and judgmental comments. It is strange how criticism can cause a form of artist block. And, with my sort of sensitivity I rarely like to argue with people because it can stay in my system for a while and distract me. It is truly a shame that Jubal Brown's friends wish to show me disrespect and insult my state of mind. It further confirms my opinion that I am dealing with childish, drama queen with most malicious personalities. Sociopaths so caught up in appearances that they are willing to stoop to all manner of deviant behaviour. Sickos caught up in their empty lives of social climbing and drama.They post comments calling me obsessive, yet whoever it was feels the need to read my posts and respond with a fake profile.
My whole involvement with attending Intervention Mondays was a mistake. These people look kind of interesting on the outside, but they aren't what you would call kind or down to earth. For instance, Jubal Brown allowing an impostor to message me for months and not making it clear that it wasn't him in a non-threatening way. His attitude towards me has been downright disrespectful and insulting. I think he is a terrible human being and I regret thinking we would get along. If these people are going to accuse me of stalking the bastard I should really point out that I wasn't. I was just trying to socialize at Intervention Mondays and maybe wrote stuff on the spur of the moment in my blog. I don't really know why he has a stick up his ass over the whole matter. I guess that he doesn't appreciate that he can't control me and the things I write.
I don't really feel like getting into petty insults, but it is with great dislike that I confront this asshole in my blogs. I had no real interest in Jubal Brown as a boyfriend because he changes girlfriends as frequently as he changes underwear. I don't want to waste my time on somebody who isn't going to be there for me. I'm looking for love and stability and I know that Jubal Brown is not the sort of person who can provide these things. I never did one thing to directly pursue him. I barely even spoke to him out at these Intervention Mondays. I merely chose to attend these events because I knew there was a high likelihood of seeing people I knew and chatting with them. I fucking hate the fact that these people have turned an innocent situation into a huge drama. This is how Jubal Brown is a sociopath. He feeds off the attention he gets off of drama and doesn't give a shit about how damaging or upsetting the experience is for other people.
But, it's my own damned fault for getting involved anyway. Anyway, enough about Jubal Brown and his stupid friend. I get tired of hearing myself bitching about them. It would be nice if I didn't get their dopey voices in my head ramming me down in the ground as far as they can ram me. These people disgust me, but a lot of people disgust me. I certainly don't ever want to be at a social event where Suzy Divine or Jubal Brown would be. I don't really enjoy going out to art openings anymore, but that is also due to the arrogant attitudes of certain gallery staff. They can really make you feel like shit. They are caught up in this art world status climbing, but they are dreadful to spend any time around.
I'm kind of backed into a corner now. Part ot me thinks that if I do decide to return to school the only thing I can actually imagine myself studying is painting. Sometimes I miss the sense of achievement in selling a painting or getting a show or having whatever else positive happen to me. It just seems like a shitty world to involve myself with full of emptiness and all these fashion conscious people. I'd rather spend my time around normal people with real emotions and depth. I don't think aby really meaningful art can be created in the art scene in a sense. It's too incestuous a situation.
Real art comes from pain and understanding. Somebody who at least has a story to tell. Not these spoilt brats who care more about their hair style than human life. I'm not down with these people and it mostly has to do with how they have been very judgmental towards me. It's my own fault for trying to fit in. When I was a kid I always felt like I was secretly somehow better than the rich and popular kids. Then I grew up and I tried to rise above my socioeconomic group, but people from my background are just bred too differently to hang out with these people. For instance, their promisuous attitudes make me feel like I'm around people who are erroding my moral standards. They just seem so cheap in a way. I still am not the sort of person who exactly believes in recreational sex and I think the way people are caught up on this shit is just an indication of how devoid of depth they are. I just frown upon the kinds of casual comments Jubal Brown and his Ossington friends have to say.
I suppose at the time I was kind of combating some mixed feelings. Logically I think that having an interest in a person like Jubal Brown on a romantic level would be detrimental to my happiness. But, I felt some sort of attachment to him. I don't understand why it would be thought that I was pursuing him or interested in a relationship with him. He doesn't seem like a relationship sort of guy. Hell, he was saying he was single on his facebook profile. I certainly didn't realize he had a girlfriend and I think he's a slimeball for not being upfront about it. Instead he decided to make a couple of sexual comments to me when I was out at the Ossington and then freaked out when I sent him sexual messages in return. He's a jackass. I wouldn't flirt with somebody if I were afraid they were stalking me.
And all these conceited twits out there are all eager to say somebody is stalking them that it makes me sick. They have absolutely no empathy for other people these men like my ex-boyfriend Manny and this Jubal Brown guy. They don't give a shit about whose life they are destroying. They just aren't exactly the sort of men who are going to make you feel good about pursuing romance at all. But, I don't know what's wrong with my head. People just stick in my head and I try to find meaning for it and it all turns into a big old mess.
I don't even really see why I would fixate on Jubal Brown. He basically looks like a stick and he's not quite as earthy as I generally like. I'm actually not really so crazy about tats and piercings and stuff. It's too bad Jubal Brown and Suzy Divine got so nasty. It's really a set back for me in terms of self confidence. Just like Manny railroaded my self-confidence by calling me psycho and all that other stuff he used to hurl at me. Manny is an idiot, of course. The way he treated me was pretty damned shitty.
In a way I blame living in Toronto for exposing me to all these shitty people. I think because Toronto is such a capitalistic place it breeds all these callous and superficial people. There is probably a town out there with people who are kind of cool and not so uptight. There isn't even any kind of Church of Satan in Toronto. It's a bunch of status conscious social climbers who will rip your heart out if it means a little bit of extra money on their pay check. I'd like to get out of here and maybe live in a place like NYC, Chicago, Philadelphia, or Boston. I hate the cleanliness of the streets and all the damned condominiums they build. I hate all the money they poured into all our damned cultural facilities and would rather if they actually produced some groundbreaking art. It's all sick and safe and crap. But, maybe I complain and it's like this everywhere. I just want to get away from all the stupid people who live in this city. Start over in a world where people aren't going to turn on me and start accusing me of stalking them and then have their pathetic friend verbally berate me.
I wish I could just run away like some people do. This chick I befriended at the shelter just decided to come up to Toronto to it check out all the way from Florida. She just came up here without a bloody cent in her pocket and stayed in the shelter for a few months and got an under the table job. I've been pretty close to doing the same thing myself a couple of times but it seemed too impossible. Plus, I've had a lot to worry about with these burning pains in my chest. I wouldn't want to get stuck somewhere and in a bad situation and not be able to afford any meds. I hate that most of my life has been stuck in basically Ontario, Canada. Maybe I'll find a way out at some point. I've known people who have lived illegally in NYC. Of course, the higher crme rate in the USA kind of has me afraid to just up and move.
I hate being surrounded with so much familiarity all the time. I know I could pull off a move to some place in Ontario, but the change I am interested would be one that is more exciting. I don't want to get stuck in a shit town where the main businesses are Wal-mart and a whole other string of franchises. I wish that I had pursued more education when I was still elligible for OSAP. I can probably apply for OSAP again in a year or 2 and that might actually offer a bit of a way out. I know I thought that my emotional problems would affect my school performance, but if I ended up losing my mind anyway I may as well have lost it from the pressure of going to school rather than the pressure of a break up and a bad job.
I sure wish I had done something differently way back when and I've always been the kind of person to believe that life should be lived without regret. Now rather than being defined by my creative work I feel like the only recognition I have gotten is derogatory statements and criticisms about my lack of social skills and whatnot. I miss the feeling of encouragement you get from your teachers in art school.
But, I have really talked about a lot of stuff I haven't wanted to talk about today. Some day maybe I can get out of this town and try some place fresh and new. Maybe I shall just exercise great patience. When my condition improves and I can take an academic route to getting out of here. Maybe. These are all maybes. I used to always look at information on art schools in the USA and imagine how great it would be to be in some studio school in a different city. I even crunched on the numbers a bit, but it's kind of hard to do this shit. My mom frowns upon art education. Certainly nobody within my family is going to encourage me to pursue this any further. It's kind of sad when the things a person wants to do with their life seem downright impossible to do.
I wish I could just enroll in some art school in some far away place and not have to worry about how much it would cost me. To be able to go to school and not have to work a 30 hour week to make my way along. I had to work to cover my living expenses the entire time I went to art school the first time around. OSAP gave me fuck all and I still had to declare bankruptcy on it.
Life sure hasn't been easy. There was a time when I believed I could attain my dreams and that was the happiest time of my life. I used to be a really good artist back in the days when I had enough space to paint. In some ways I resent this society for limiting my potential because I come from a single parent family. It doesn't seem fair that I've had to suffer so much. People have accused me of playing the victim, but they aren't the ones who have to deal with long term poverty and mental health crap. It would have been nice to have a normal upbringing where a higher education is encouraged and a priority. My ex-boyfriend was lucky, of course. I have him to be jealous of. His dad was a doctor who paid his tuition and also gave him money to live off of each month. It didn't really seem fair at the time, but life isn't fair people always tell me.
Life kind of sucks. A girl wants to make something of her life and then there are all these men around to complicate things. I wish I could have turned off all my emotions and feelings. Wish there was something I could have done to nip all these cycling moods in the bud, but nothing has ever really seemed to work. It's not like I can function like a normal person any longer. My sleep schedule is erratic and I can get feeling that I want to kill myself if I don't let myself sleep.I get really frazzled and I don't know how I have really survived all the psychosomatic pain shit. Lately I haven't been wanting to leave the house much. Of course, living on a disability pension has me strapped for cash all the time. It's not like I have money to go out and hit the bars anyway.
I just hope I can get better at some point and live a more rewarding lifestyle. There isn't a lot to be happy about anymore. The pain I feel makes me feel kind of paralyzed. It's like I forever have to distract myself. I don't feel that I deserve to be in this much pain, but I can't identify the source of pain. I've been on so many bloody different medications and I still rarely feel complete comfort. I'm kind of afraid to go out as well. I can't quite imagine any social experience to be particularly gratifying or worthwhile. Most people are so damned mean spirited that it doesn't seem like anything good could come out of going to an art opening and even the Pagan Pub Moot seems like I would just be sitting there feeling the odd duck. I'll probably change at some point. Change seems to be the one thing we can rely on in life. Things just don't stay the same forever. I don't know what I'm yammering about. I guess I just have a few vague clues about what might make me happy again, but they seem so difficult to attain.
The thought has been crossing my mind to just pack up and move off like my friend from the shelter. 'Leap and the net will appear'. Some crazy woman from the building just up and left and went to Ottawa and left her cat in the room. Some how she survived. I just can't stand the thought of being in a financially desperate situation, so I don't think I'm going to be running off anywhere anytime soon.
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