18 January 2012

It looks very springlike for a January day in Canada. Probably global warming and we're all going to die. The polar ice caps will probably start melting and in a year or 2 we will all be knee deep in water. All the new condominiums they keep building will be sitting in water and start to tumble down. This is the sort of thing we should all be thinking about when we pollute. Most people are so happy about the weather, but I know better than to be happy about anything. Happiness is but a brief moment and generally just the calm before the storm. Even acknowledging when things are going positively seems to have a way of messing them up. Tell someone your secret formula, and then your secret formula just loses it's power. That's about how I feel about life, but I do realize that most feelings are temporal and I'll probably feel quite different about life later on. Probably go back to feeling indifferent about the weather.

I'm sure it will be freezing cold when I go to Quebec City. In the winter it's always much colder when you travel out east than it is here in Toronto. Toronto always seems way warmer than places like Montreal, Brockville, and Ottawa. I'm sure Quebec City will be cold. I still can't wait to go. They are holding Winter Carnival which is a week long celebration. I think it's probably the biggest celebration of cold weather in North America. Each night they apparently have an outdoor dance party. I mainly want to check out the dog sledding and do some ice skating. I'm going to have a wonderful time. I kind of like winter activities. My general opinion of snow and ice is that it is pretty and condusive to all sorts of wonderful activities. I remember doing a taffy pull in the park across the street from my grade school as a kid.

I got caught out in the cold when I was about 5 years old for 2 hours. My mom dropped me off at the school to watch a movie. The teacher was at the door when my mom dropped me off, but she went inside before I made it down the path. When I got to the door it was too big and heavy to open. I was also a very timid child, so I just left. I had to stand out in subzero weather for 2 hours and I know I was crying by the end of it. That happened in kindergarten. It was a traumatizing experience, but I noticed that it wasn't traumatizing enough to create a huge fear of cold weather. A lot of things in life traumatize us, but only a select few experiences really screw us up psychologically.The only thing about that experience I remember being left with was thinking the kindergarten teacher was a bit of an idiot not to wait for a child to come in out of the cold. And, maybe that is a big reason why I felt negatively towards authority figures.

I hated most of my early grade school teacher. I was always really certain they were judging me and treating me like less of a person because of the fact I came from a single parent family. It may not have been completely true, but I always thought it was. My mother at home also reinforced that idea and that is why she chose to never attend any parent/teacher interviews while I was growing up. She thought the teachers would start treating me differently once they saw how obese she was. I don't know how much my mother weighed, but she was too big to be weighed on the scales at the doctor's office. More than 400 pounds. Some of the kids used to make fun of her and those very same kids beat the crap out of me to the point that I was taken to the hospital once to make sure I wasn't hurt too badly. Those were more the sorts of experiences which were really scarring as I grew up. The kinds of experiences which made me withdrawn and antisocial.

I happened to be about 4 years younger than these kids and some of them were just awful. There were 3 families at the time which were a problem. 3 older kids who would gang up on me. One was a boy who tried to set our house on fire and hit me in the eye with a rock. That whole family was kind of weird and I saw the youngest girl shitting in her own backyard this one time. One might tend to think that the parents were overwhelmed by having 3 kids or something. The parents were nice people and the elderly Greek orthodox grandmother was a nice woman. It's just the kids that would behave badly.

The Greek kids could be considered two faced in a sense. It was the older brother who did the really bad shit, like trying to set our house on fire. My grandmother saw smoke rising up past her bedroom window and this kid was below it setting leaves and paper on fire. I don't get where some kids just get the stupidest and brattiest ideas. Trying to set a house on fire is a criminal thing. It could have been really serious too. At least it was noticed before the whole bunch of leaves in that little walk space between our house and the warehouse next door caught on fire. I'm sure his parents gave him shit about that one.

I was lucky to have all the kids I didn't like just move out of the neighbourhood. Our family was one which stayed in the neighbourhood. My mother owned that house for about 20 years. A lot of the younger families in the neighbourhood weren't as settled and just rented their houses. That's probably why most of them moved away. The socio-economic group in my neighbourhood was rather mixed. I lived a block away from the water and most of the houses on our street were 2 story birck houses. It was a very attractive place for somebody who wanted a nice house close to the river. I could see the river from my bedroom. The neighbour across the street owned a popular pub in Brockville and put a deck on the roof. He also gutted the kitchen so that it had a cathedral ceiling. One of the houses was a mini mansion and a lawyer lived there. Someone else on our street was a city councillor. 2 French Canadian houses of people who were related to each other. There weren't always a lot of kids. There used to be when I was really young. A whole street one block over got demolished in order to build a parking lot. There used to be a 4 story apartment building on the corner and it got torn down. After that fewer low income families were cycling through the neighbourhood. They still did a bit, but it wasn't the same as before.

I liked that fact that they tore this building down, though I was rather peeved about this one house being torn down. An old lady lived in that house and she didn't want to sell it. Her daughter some how got power of attorney and sold it out from under her. It always seemed like such a nasty thing to do to an old lady. Especially since she really loved her home, and it happened to be a beautiful building in itself.

The parking lot made a good roller skating rink. It was always vacated after dark. One of the nicest restaraurants was right there and there was a wheel chair ramp which we'd get in trouble for using for roller skating or skate boarding. When I would roller skate there would often be people around on skateboards too. The restaurant was in a historic building and called 'The Grist Mill'. There was a creek with this high stone walls around it running past the side of the restaurant. Used to make people lie down on their backs with their heads hanging over the edge as a part of some initiation rite I made up as a kid.

True to the Aries personality trait of leadership, I always gravitated towards being the leader of something as a child. It was almost like a trait which came naturally at times, but I'm not even always like that. It's like elements of my personality go dormant or hibernate for a while. I was often accused of being bossy by the other children. Most people probably think of me as a shy and gentle lamb. That's only in certain situations. Other situations pull out other aspects of my personality. I've noticed that certain astrological signs will make you act differently. I sometimes try to stay away from large groups of air signs because I don't like the side of my personality which comes out when I am around them. They stir up the fire, which I have a ton of in my chart, and I might start acting in ways I don't like. I act like a show-off, dare devil, and I thrive on a lot of attention. I prefer to hang around with the sorts of people I feel will having a more stabilizing impact on my personality.

Today I am going in for my introductory session for hypnotherapy. $500 is a hefty price to pay, but why not do something I really want to do even if it is going to be a pinch on the budget. It's been something of interest ever since I read about Edgar Cayce and the sort of work he did. I might even try to hook up with a past life regressionist after I am done this therapy. The group I am getting this therapy from says they are only using scientifically proven methods. Maybe I could also find people who operate as hypnotherapists out of an interest in the occult later. I think I'd just like to see if I can understand the whole idea of hypnotism. My mother tells me that she was using self-hypnosis when she was suffering from cancer. She has a friend from California from the internet who is into stuff like that and he sent her a bunch of tapes. My mom's friend is also into remote viewing.

I guess I should start getting ready. I don't have to be to the clinic until 4 o'clock, but I should take some time to clean up around here. It's getting messy. Yesterday I pretty much spent the entire day studying astrology. I was working on 2 astrological charts and it took some work. One chart is a prediction for the year to come. The chart I haven't finished yet was given to me without an actual time of birth, so I was unable to calculate the ascendent. I've noticed that this person is currently going through their second Saturn return and thought that I might just write about that when I am doing my reading.

So, I guess I'd better go. I'll smoke another bowl of weed. Make another pot of coffee to drink before I go. I'll clean up around here. Then I'll freshen up and head out the door. It's a beautiful day outside. Even if it does point towards our eventual demise through arctic ice cap meltage and the destruction of the ozone layer.